"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you cannot do."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Thank you to my friend who sent me this quote yesterday, after I told her how devastatingly badly I screwed up my performance! That quote explains why I walked out on a limb to compete in the NATS competition.
On Friday, things went great. The two judges that I sang for put me at ease and I was able to deliver a fairly smooth performance. The remarks on their judging sheets were very encouraging to me and I appreciated their positive feedback immeasurably.
To take one step back, all of my voice teacher's students got together last Monday to practice performing their competition songs. I got their late, looked terrible and was nervous. The audience told me I was fidgety, kept clenching my fists and looked dreadful. (Jeans and an old, worn black t-shirt.) So I really practiced trying to look the part for Friday and got very positive reviews from the judges on the areas that had been my weaknesses.
Apparently you can teach an old dog (I mean, youngish woman) new tricks.
My division (adult novice) was quite small. Only a handful of people. I knew it would be both devastating (yet relieving) to be cut from that small group. I was not cut. I was chosen as one of the four to make it to the final round. Let me tell you about the final round.
Final Round = singing a solo in front of a large audience in the Madsen Recital Hall at BYU in front of a myriad of music professionals and singers who are not in the adult novice division. Imagine the bright lights focused on you. One grand piano, a house full of people who will know exactly how badly you're doing, a couple relatives, and bright lights shining on you. Then the music begins, you open your mouth, and ...
It wasn't pretty. I absolutely slaughtered the song in front of that audience. People looked at me with pity in their eyes afterward. My voice teacher tried to be comforting, but in the end it was devastating. I just wanted to do my best. Or close to my best. Or halfway decent. I wanted to look fear in the face, spit in its eye and amaze myself with how well I could keep my cool.
I was simply terrified. I was shaking. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I couldn't sing. It was painful to me as I heard each off-pitch note coming out of my vocal chords. I have no doubts that I was the worst performer of the dozens who competed in the different divisions. I expected to get fourth out four in my division and lived up to my expectation.
But.
I did it! I'm so proud of myself. I never thought I could do something like this and I proved myself wrong. I'm actually brimming with pride that I overcame my anxiety and fear and did something so far out of my comfort zone.
And so... I carry on. I keep pushing myself and hating myself for it. Isn't this what life is about?
Brava! You really SHOULD be proud of yourself! I bet more people loved your performance and you than you think. Of course, there is the objective scoring that goes on by the judges, but each person in that auditorium experienced your performance in way that transcends mere categorization :)
ReplyDeleteYou may not have been perfect, but you did it. I hope you'll keep singing :)
You are my hero. I am so glad to hear that you did this. So you may have had a little problem, but next time you will know what to expect and will do better. Good job!
ReplyDeleteYes, you did it & that's what counts. As we get older I think it gets harder and harder to conquer anxiety about stuff like this. So, I say CONGRATS to you for getting out there and singing!!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that your final round of singing was in a most challenging environment. I don't think I have sung before a crowd like that, especially any solo singing, so I can only approximate your feelings.
ReplyDeleteI am, however, pretty sure that if you were to perform in that same venue again and in front of a similar audience again, you would undoubtedly perform closer to your best - probably not your very best, but better.
"That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not that the nature of the thing has changed, but that our ability to do it has increased." -- Emerson
So, in the end I just wanted to let you know that I am thrilled that you took a chance with your singing and put your singing out there to be judged and appraised. You have talent (I have heard it!) and I hope the next time you sing in a challenging environment, it will be easier for you to reach towards your best.
Way to go!! That stuff is so nerve racking, I don't know how anyone ever feels comfortable doing it. You should be so proud of yourself. Conquering ourselves really is the hardest part of life!
ReplyDeleteWay to go. Way to look fear in the face!! You have a beautiful voice.
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