by Joy & Gary Lundberg
After reading some well-written and some not-so-well-written books about human psychology and interpersonal communication, this book was a breath of fresh air. Rather than trying to appeal to the audience with buzz words and 360-degree paradigm shifts, this book made sense on a practical level for all sorts of situations. The first part of the book is essentially about codependency without ever using that word.To summarize briefly, the book teaches how to respond to other people's problems in a healthy way. It teaches that even small children are capable of solving their own problems and just need others to listen and encourage them. Phrases such as, "I can imagine that was really painful/embarrassing/sad..." or "How do you think you can handle the situation?" are validating phrases, which is the way we tell others that we value their viewpoint. We say, "What you're feeling is valid" instead of "That's screwed up. Let me explain to you the correct way to think."
Giving advice is a common, unhealthy, mild form of controlling other people. It's like telling them: "You aren't smart enough to figure this out, so let me condescend to share my wisdom with you." When people are most confused or depressed, they need people to confirm that it's okay to feel confused or depressed. And if you can tell them, "Hey, I know you'll figure this out because you're strong and smart and there's nothing I could say that you can't figure out for yourself" then that's just icing on the cake.
Okay, sounds cheesy but it works. I've been practicing these principles with my six-year-old and he's responded to it extremely well. Now I wonder how my friends have put up with me all these years when I didn't realize how condescending I was being. The more you know, the less you know. You know? I find that I'm in the habit of trying to be helpful by dispensing advice. I'm cringing at how readily the advice comes to my lips. Bad Juliana! No! I am, as always, a work in progress.
I'm giving this two big thumbs up. If you want to borrow my copy or grab your own, let me know what you thought. I'd love to do lunch and hear what you have to say. I promise I'll be a good listener.
This concludes my four-part series of self help books. Reading these in the order I read them in was fascinating. It reminded me how human psychology is complex, yet made from interconnected pieces. At the root of all the buzz words, there is truth. Sometimes it's like the figurative needle in the haystack, but the search is worthwhile. If you decide to pick up any of these books, let me know and let's enjoy chatting about them.
The previous book reviews, in order, are:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Codependent No More / Beyond Codependency
please send these four books through our interhusband mail system. :)
ReplyDeleteI would love to do lunch sometime. Maybe actually meet you in person rather then in passing at work functions.
Seth just e-mailed from his mission and said that he is reading a book called The People Code and that it was really good and helped explain why you do the things you do, etc. I haven't read it yet, but thought I'd pass the title on to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Janae! I've heard the title before and I'll pick it up sometime and see how I like it. Excellent. :)
ReplyDeleteOh yes, and Sandra: I think it is a shockingly excellent idea that we could socialize in the realm of real human beings, and not just in the realm of Ones, Zeros and yearly social functions which are promoted by the employment of husbands who work in Ones and Zeros all day long.
ReplyDeleteHave I ever mentioned that I think runon sentences are really funny? Hee hee.
That's interesting about the idea that giving advice is condescending. I guess because that's my first instinctual reaction, I feel I have to defend it, lol--I thought that by trying to help them brainstorm to fix the problem, then I was helping. But, I like the approach that you illustrated...giving the situation an empowering spin back to the individual who should be doing the problem solving.
ReplyDeleteI think I just might have to pick this book up! :) (And, yes, I do love Anna Karenina...though, I liked it much more when I read it in high school, not sure why.)