Sometimes everything is going my way. I feel guilty for what a great life I have. And then suddenly real life happens again two minutes later.
* I had to go back to the wrist surgeon today to discuss the fact that I'm still in pain ... eight weeks later. No matter how you spin that, you don't come up with a happy answer. His answer: Physical therapy. Wearing the splint at night again. And trying not to overdo it. How does a stay-at-home mother (who is potty training TWO strong-willed toddlers) not use her hands ... constantly? (Hush about the typing and blogging thing. I know, I know.) My housework was on the verge of being not a toxic waste zone and now I have to try to not overdo it.
* Potty training is not going well. If the phrase "poop all over the outside AND inside of a book" doesn't describe my frustration well enough, feel free to call me up and I'll give you all the details.
* The children refuse to go to sleep before about 9:30 p.m. or wake up later than about 6:30 a.m. Which means that Mom doesn't go to bed earlier than about 10:30 p.m. and wakes up around 6:30 every day. But what they really ENJOY is being cranky all day long so I know exactly how sleep-deprived they are.
* Josh and I are considering making some major life changes (which he won't let me discuss on my blog.. d'oh! If you know what I'm talking about, please don't mention it in the comments ... thanks!) We're excited about some possibilities but the pressure of trying to get all the pieces working together just right is killing us. I can't sleep at night. Yesterday, we got news of a setback in the process, which really did me in. Everything was delicately balanced and then somebody pulled out the middle. No, I'm not planning to get pregnant. Thanks for asking.
* I am taking social anxiety to new and exciting levels. I realized that I'm the kind of person that people enjoy being around once in a while for entertainment value, but not the kind of person that people really want to get close to. "You really crack me up, Juliana" is people's way of saying, "You are incredibly weird and I am going to smile and go talk to somebody that doesn't make me feel so uncomfortable." This is really difficult for a "people person" like me. I'm seriously in danger of putting Edie Brickell's Circle on a nonstop repeat on my iPod.
*I realized my social life is strangely similar to my singing. I have a certain level of skill that I've worked up to with my singing, but it's never gotten to the point that people really enjoy it. The only time I perform is when the Relief Society enrichment committee is trying to fill out an hour of Christmas singing and they know I'm willing. "Willing" is worth more than "talented" when you're desperate.
* It's really sad when I post this kind of thing on a public blog instead of confiding in my best friend. It's sad when my best friend is my cat. And I don't own a cat. :-D
* I (re)started this medication that makes all food look like dog food. No, it's not diet pills or anything like that. It just has this side effect of making me lose my appetite. Unfortunately, I don't lose those hunger pains, so I have to eat SOMETHING. What is likely to look most appetizing? Probably something that is the least healthy for me. And on top of that, I have a huge canker sore on the tip of my tongue that rules out any food that is acidic (ouuuuuccchhhh!) or crumbly (goodbye bread, crackers, etc.) or has sharp tips. Hint: tortilla chips and rice krispy treats are as good as a torture device if you have a canker sore.
All in all, I think I had a good-sized meltdown last night, and this morning I woke up to the chipper sounds of my sleep-deprived three-year-old at 6:18 a.m. A general sense of depression is settling over me and I am trying to work up the energy to fight it off. And yes, I already tried chocolate to no avail. This must be serious.
Hey, I love this blog. It is like an Erma Bombeck diatribe (if you know who she is). This is real life and your honesty is appreciated. I laughed out loud at your "You crack me up..." comment! And "willing" being more important that "talented'! You go girl! Meltdowns are our destiny, and as long as I have to take care of people and be the rock in a sometimes unstable place I am having a meltdown every now and then. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteYou are much too hard on yourself. Take it from someone who is constantly the "crack-up" party pooper, it doesn't matter what they think anyways. And keep in mind, we're all in the same boat. Some of us are closer to 5 then meltdown, but we've all been that close. Take the night off and go see a movie by yourself. Or go to the park and read. And get a cat. That's just plain sad.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you posted this!! I have written posts like this myself in the late night hours but didn't dare post them. I'm bringing over ENERGY pills for you and melatonin for your twins! I tried it on Collin and it works like a charm for sleeping.
ReplyDeleteGood for you to put it all out there. Hopefully it will help you to see that you aren't alone in how you are feeling! I personally think that it would be abnormal to NOT have times like this in our lives. My advice would be to put off potty training if they aren't ready yet. Sometimes even a couple of months can make a big difference, and try not to be so hard on yourself. You are great!!
ReplyDeleteI've been lurking your blog for a while now and I had to comment on this entry as it sounds very similar to the way I often feel. Sometimes it's tough, sometimes it doesn't look like it's going to get any better. Hope for the future. Hope is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteAs for what to do, I usally sit down and watch and episode of Monk.