Why I Confess

It should be assumed that the more astute of my readers have already ascertained my religious preference. If, for some reason, the subject is still a mystery to you: I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, often referred to as the Mormon Church. 

I created this blog at a time when I felt pressured to conform to certain stereotypical and cultural expectations for young Mormon mothers. Many more poetic and clear-minded than myself have elaborated on the injustices of these stereotypes, so I need not bore you. 

Suffice to say that this blog takes a snapshot of my inability to conform to The Ideal. Hence, they are my Confessions. I regularly confess to being not only imperfect, but also ... dare I say it? ... stubbornly human and prone to error. 

This blog is not about Mormonism per se. It is not a missionary effort to try to explain my beliefs to others. It is not a candle on the hill, though I wish I felt it could be. At times, I grow cynical. At times, pessimistic. At times, I become downright sarcastic. But lately, I have felt a growing concern that I do not do myself justice.

To put it simply, I am a happy person. I am not only happy, but cheerful and prone to laughter. I am childlike in my desire to simply enjoy the world around me without conforming to societal pressure. I crave the association of people who uplift me, encourage me, and set an example of happiness. I consider myself charitable--not in the traditional sense of doing hours of service, but in the way I look at other people. I strive to see the good in all around me, and when I see ugliness or cynicism or evil, I always know that there is more to the person than that. I refuse to define people by their worst attributes. 

I understand that those who have hurt me in the past may or may not be the same people today, and the essential characteristic of being human is the ability to change. Therefore, however difficult it may be to deal with the emotions of past hurts or recover relationships that have been marred by difficulties, I have ultimate faith that all people would be glorious if I could see them through God's eyes.

I strive to positive and cheerful and happy. Yet life is not always positive or cheerful or happy. I just lived through a weekend that was so emotionally tiring that I still feel incapable of rational thought. Negative things happen. Negative emotions happen. When surrounded by the fog of negativity, how does one strive to dispel the gloom? For me, this blog is an excellent way of working through those emotions, wrapping them up nicely and then kicking them out of my cerebral back door. 

When I write, I explore how I feel, why I feel that way and what I can do about it. It is a healthy process. Most rational adults would recognize that a public confessional to all the world is not a necessary part of that process. One could write the thoughts and then save them away, but I just don't work that way. 

For one, my readers comments help me to feel connected to the real world, especially during my most frustrating times. And secondly, I sincerely hope that my honest assessment of life as Mormon Mother will help others to feel less ensnared by impossible ideals and more hopeful that one can be both humanly imperfect and also perfected by the refining fires of life.

Most blogs I read are a celebration of the joys of life: a record of the best and happiest moments, the sweet kindnesses of husbands and children, and the bliss that make life on earth bearable. I record the opposite--without apology, usually. Yet the things I write are the scratches and mosquito bites of daily life--the irritations, if you will--and never the mortal wounds. The most painful moments are felt privately and alone. I have not the desire nor the strength to open those doors to the public.

Why philosophize about the purpose of this blog? I have been feeling increasingly guilty that I strive to be around positive people, yet I portray myself as obsessed with negativity. I want to assure others that my life is not doom and gloom. I have sweet moments of joy, but those moments are as sacred to me as the bitterly painful moments in life. I am very sentimental by nature, but not publicly so. This blog has a vital role in my life and I hope others will enjoy it for what it is and refrain from judging me for the truths that are also present, but not presented here.