Free Rice

This was a fun game, and it helps end up world hunger! Seriously. :) Check it out.

I couldn't bump past level 46, which was very annoying. How well can you do?

Here's another fun little Internet time waster: Travel IQ challenge. My score was simply dreadful, but it was fun!

Jekkyl & Hyde

My kids are wondering where fun, giggly Mom went. And who is this beast of a meanie who has replaced her?

No fear. I'll be back soon. After tonight hopefully.

My voice teacher is a member of the National Association of Teachers of Singing (NATS). Each year, different regional groups of NATS hold a competition for their students. It's a way of giving their students exposure to different feedback and critique than they normally get. It's something to work toward and set a goal for.

I think just maybe I was crazy when my teacher asked me if I wanted to participate this year and I said (after a lot of hemming and hawing) "Umm yeah, sure. Why not?" I'm not expecting to win anything. Last place is totally fine with me. Well, maybe not last place, but I don't really want to make it to the finals, where I'd have to perform in front of an actual audience. That would be terrifying.

In the meantime, I get to stress about singing in front of two judges. Funny how I sometimes fantasize (like so many others) about what Randy, Paula and Simon would have to say if I sang in front of them. Seems so funny when you imagine Simon Cowell saying, "That. Was. Simply Dreadful. Did you even realize you're supposed to be singing?" Less funny when you've actually signed up to get real life criticism.

So send some good vibes my way. I just want to make it past tonight at 9:30 p.m. (when I do my sleepy performance) without having a heart attack. That's all I ask. It would be an especially nice bonus if I didn't throw up from anxiety while singing. Staying on pitch and breathing would just be icing on the cake. But I can't expect too much.

Unnerving

"It's just cold in here, isn't it?" remarked a complete stranger as she glanced around the waiting room. "The wall color, everything. Just cold."

I smiled in reply, trying to appear noncommittal. I didn't care how cold the waiting room. After a few minutes, the woman glanced at the Reader's Digest in her hands and said loudly to her husband: "Caffeine, tea and coffee. Six hours." I must have missed part of her sentence. The husband nodded in a familiar, noncommittal fashion.

A few minutes later, the husband remarked on a newspaper article he was reading. The wife replied, "Well, if we were expected to believe half of what's in the newspapers!" I thought about my blog entry last night, wondering why I was so turned off by this woman who distrusted the newspaper but took the Reader's Digest as Pure Fact. I decided it would be hypocritical to pursue that train of thinking any further and simply tried to look the other way as the woman threw a conspiratorial glance my way. "I am not a sympathetic listener," I thought to myself. "I majored in communications."

After a few minutes, the nurse called me back and performed the necessary pre-interview tortures: weight, blood pressure and even a photo. I pondered on my too-late wish that I had washed my hair this morning. Why should I care if I look greasy-haired and blotchy-skin'd for complete strangers? Shouldn't I be more concerned with inner beauty or at least looking nice for myself and family? These issues would have to be pondered later. The doctor was waiting.

I adored the doctor immediately. Some doctors have a way of saying, "I couldn't care less about you or your so-called illness" without saying a word. Some have a way of saying, "You and I could be best friends if given the chance, so let's work together" with their first smile. I apparently lucked out.

This was my second Very Expensive & Inconvenient Doctor's Appointment in a week. The first one had been extremely frustrating and had led to a referral of this new doctor, a physiatrist. Who in the world has heard of a physiatrist? Sounds like a misspelled psychiatrist to me, but the orthopedic surgeon had assured me he would help with my progressively worsening wrist pain. Two main feelings surfaced: annoyance and reluctance. It took two months to get in to the orthopedic surgeon--he was The Go To Guy Who Knows Everything About Everything. What could a misspelled psychiatrist do for me?

After chatting for a few minutes, the M.D. looked at my hands. It was unnerving. He asked me clench my fists, relax my hands, bend my fingers this way and that and generally tried to cause me pain. But the unnerving thing was the way he stared at my hands, as if they actually meant something to him that I could not see. I looked down at my hands. They were dry and marked by a landscape of miniature valleys. (Yes, I have old lady hands. Just ask to look at them next time you see me and you'll understand what I mean. My dry skin makes my hands look like they're 80 years older than the rest of me. )

My hands also looked incredibly pink compared to the doctor. This surprised me, since I'd always considered my complexion to be somewhat olive colored. (My husband tells me my skin is green, which I find somewhat less humorous than he does.) At any rate, all I saw was very pink, very dry old-lady hands connected to my wrists. But the doctor just stared and stared and would occasionally say, "Hmmm" or "Ahhhh" or "Nice" or "Interesting." I was completely undone by the fact that he could see so much of me that I was completely blind to. I felt my IQ dropping by the second.

After discussing my rather odd set of symptoms, he admitted that mine was a strange case. He'd seen stranger, though, and related some odd stories to me. His stories related to curious symptoms related to carpal tunnel, and he now recommended a Nerve Conduction Study to "rule it out."

"Rule it out, or ... rule it in?" I wondered and agreed to the testing. He had time right away so we went off to the torture chamber. Ahem, place with expensive machines that cost my insurance company a lot of money. He told me he would be sending shocks into my arms to test the nerves. I told him it sounded rather medieval. He laughed and said it wasn't bad at all, then related a very contradictory story of a patient who threw up his hands halfway through and said, "Okay! I give up! What government secrets do you want to know?!?" We both had a good laugh and I tried to hide the fact that my hands were becoming cold and sweaty. And they were shaking.

What can I say about the Nerve Conduction Study? Shall I write a sonnet to the joys of having a doctor send shocks of electricity into your nerves? Again: unnerving. Pun intended, but still relevant. This was followed by an even more evil (ahem, medieval) process of sticking a needle into my skin repeatedly. That would be joy enough for this humble writer, but he then proceeded to tap on the needle. Cliches come to mind: kick me while I'm down, give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it, etc.

As he tested my bicep, I had just enough nervous laughter in me to think, "I'll pay you double if you can find any muscle underneath all that fat." I suppressed a laugh and the doctor asked if he was hurting me. "No, no," I said and explained.

So the good news is that I've definitely hit my personal deductible for this year. How lovely to have spent $500 on medical bills by March 6th. It will make those future 2008 visits so much more enjoyable with a mere copay to worry about. The other good news is that I get to wait another two months for an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon, to schedule carpal tunnel surgery.

I'm trying to find some more silver linings to this cloud, but I'm actually much less thrilled than I'd like to be. It's unnerving to get any unexpected diagnosis from a doctor. It's that same sensation that he can see beyond what I can see: I merely see dry skin and he sees carpal tunnel. Yesterday, I merely had wrist pain. Today I have carpal tunnel. (And yes, typing on an ergonomically-challenged keyboard is my favorite way to celebrate.)

Of course it's not true that my wrist pain turned into carpal tunnel overnight. It's been there, festering under the skin, laughing at my blindness. And that is exactly what has me feeling simply tired today: the realization that no matter how much I fight to gain positive control over my life and my health, there are things that I don't even know I'm fighting against.

Time to go listen to that "Happy" playlist on the iPod perhaps? But first I'll have to reattach the wrist splint that I took off in annoyance when it prevented me from typing.

What's on your agenda?

Maybe I'm a broken record because I'm pretty sure I've blogged about this before, but it gets me hot under the collar every time.

Why does CNN splash this headline on their main page:

Case renews debate on vaccine-autism link

And conveniently neglect articles like this one, which I do not recall seeing last month:

Study Finds Vaccine Preservative is Not Linked to Risks of Autism
(I was lucky enough to find this article in the "What's new?" section of my pediatrician's office website.)

They've done this before: push the autism/immunizations fears on the public with misleading headlines and articles that are blatantly fear-mongering. The result? People panic and choose not to immunize their kids for no good reason! I mean, hey, if you have a GOOD reason not to immunize, it ain't my business. But if you're opting out because of the fear-mongering press, that ain't cool. It just ain't cool, folks, and the folks who sell fear to turn a profit are responsible.

Book Talk :: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better
by Joy & Gary Lundberg

After reading some well-written and some not-so-well-written books about human psychology and interpersonal communication, this book was a breath of fresh air. Rather than trying to appeal to the audience with buzz words and 360-degree paradigm shifts, this book made sense on a practical level for all sorts of situations. The first part of the book is essentially about codependency without ever using that word.

To summarize briefly, the book teaches how to respond to other people's problems in a healthy way. It teaches that even small children are capable of solving their own problems and just need others to listen and encourage them. Phrases such as, "I can imagine that was really painful/embarrassing/sad..." or "How do you think you can handle the situation?" are validating phrases, which is the way we tell others that we value their viewpoint. We say, "What you're feeling is valid" instead of "That's screwed up. Let me explain to you the correct way to think."

Giving advice is a common, unhealthy, mild form of controlling other people. It's like telling them: "You aren't smart enough to figure this out, so let me condescend to share my wisdom with you." When people are most confused or depressed, they need people to confirm that it's okay to feel confused or depressed. And if you can tell them, "Hey, I know you'll figure this out because you're strong and smart and there's nothing I could say that you can't figure out for yourself" then that's just icing on the cake.

Okay, sounds cheesy but it works. I've been practicing these principles with my six-year-old and he's responded to it extremely well. Now I wonder how my friends have put up with me all these years when I didn't realize how condescending I was being. The more you know, the less you know. You know? I find that I'm in the habit of trying to be helpful by dispensing advice. I'm cringing at how readily the advice comes to my lips. Bad Juliana! No! I am, as always, a work in progress.

I'm giving this two big thumbs up. If you want to borrow my copy or grab your own, let me know what you thought. I'd love to do lunch and hear what you have to say. I promise I'll be a good listener.

This concludes my four-part series of self help books. Reading these in the order I read them in was fascinating. It reminded me how human psychology is complex, yet made from interconnected pieces. At the root of all the buzz words, there is truth. Sometimes it's like the figurative needle in the haystack, but the search is worthwhile. If you decide to pick up any of these books, let me know and let's enjoy chatting about them.

The previous book reviews, in order, are:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Codependent No More / Beyond Codependency

Regarding the Importance of Everything

Everything matters.

Although, honestly, a lot of stuff just doesn't matter. But it might. You never know.

I'm not saying this to induce an anxiety attack as you try unsuccesfully to follow a pattern of logic which doesn't exist.

Life is just like that sometimes: it's full of contradictions. Things that don't matter in the small scheme of things are vitally important in the larger scheme. Or vice versa. Or versa vice. But now I'm just being silly.

On Saturday, I attended a baptism. A young girl was on the schedule to play a piano solo before the baptism. She made numerous mistakes and looked fairly embarrassed after she finished. I have no doubt that well-intentioned people would have told her, "Don't worry. It doesn't matter." That's true: the mistakes didn't matter.

But the song mattered, and the mistakes didn't harm the song at all. It was beautiful and it served its purpose. I was very touched by the simple song in a remarkable way and I wanted to tell the girl that the song mattered to me. I never got the chance.

That girl will never know that her willingness to take a chance in front of all those people mattered to me. There are a lot of people who will never know how much they have mattered to my life. Some of those people who have impacted my life are reading these words. You're probably thinking: it's not me. What did I do?

You smiled.
You laughed.
You inquired.
You stepped aside.
You stubbornly stood in my way.
You hugged.
You sang.
You danced.
You wrote.
You helped.
You listened.
You took the time.
You kept going.
You didn't give up on me, after I gave up on myself.
You remembered.
You complimented.
You were honest.
You weren't completely honest, when that was the right thing to do.
You held your tongue.
You told it like it is.
You warned.
You held back.
You were there.
You weren't in the way.
You cried with me.
You played along.
You reached out.
You helped me reach inward.
You were there.
You were there.
You were there.

If you think it didn't matter, think again. Everything matters. Or at least it might.

Feel Good Music

I was in about 9th grade when I realized how powerfully music affects me. I realized quite by accident that I felt very angry and impatient when I listened to rock music and very mellow and patient when I listened to classical or religious music. I am not sure if others are affected as deeply as I am, but music is a powerful force in my life.

Sometimes I use my music in good ways, to cheer me up and give me strength to keep going. But some days I rebel against that and want to just enjoy feeling a bit blue for a while. That's when I listen to "Circle" by Edie Brickell. It's unhealthy and pitiful, but don't you sometimes want to feel pitiful for a few minutes?

Circle
Edie Brickell & the New Bohemians
I quit. I give up. Nothing's good enough for anybody else, it seems. And bein' alone is the best way to be. When I'm by myself it's the best way to be. When I'm by myself, nobody else can say goodbye. Everything is temporary anyway.


When I'm done being pitiful, I grow up and listen to something that doesn't suck the life right out of me. The next three songs are the entirety of my iPod playlist titled, "Happy." At the risk of not only sounding cheesy but actually being cheesy, I'll admit these songs mean a great deal to me. I hope they put a smile on your face or a little smile in your heart.

Don't Give Up (You Are Loved)
Josh Groban
Don't give up: it's just the weight of the world. When your heart's heavy, I will lift it for you. ... Everybody wants to be understood. Well I can hear you. Everybody wants to be loved. Don't give up because you are loved. ... Everyone needs to be heard.


I Believe In You
Il Divo & Celine Dion
Follow your heart. Let your love lead through the darkness. There's nothing that you cannot do. I believe in you. ... Be yourself an angel of kindness.


You've Got a Friend in Me
Randy Newman
When the road looks rough ahead, and you're miles and miles from your nice, warm bed, just remember what your old pal said: yeah, you've got a friend in me.

Book Talk :: Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency

Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency
by Melody Beattie

In case it isn't already clear, I'm talking about two separate books here. One book is titled "Codependent No More" and the other is "Beyond Codependency." I picked them up at the library after hearing the term codependent used in The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. I've been interested in learning about the concept in the past and never gotten around to it.

So what is codependency? The term was coined originally to describe spouses of those dependent on alcohol or other drugs. For example, we'll say a woman is married to an alcoholic husband. The husband, dependent on the alcohol, is hampered in his ability to overcome alcoholism because of his codependent wife.

This does not mean the wife is an alcoholic and it does not mean she approves of the alcoholic's behavior. It means that her warped way of coping with that stress actually enables her husband's problem. She might try to ignore the problem, or try to solve the problem herself, or cover up for her husband--but whatever her behavior, she is actually taking responsibility for his behavior or her shoulders. She is an enabler--she makes it easy for him to be an alcoholic. When the problem gets worse and worse and the wife doesn't understand why, she's bound to feel hopeless, helpless, angry, stressed and probably bitter.

The term is now used in a more broad sense: you can use the term (or concept or ideas or paradigm, if you don't feel the need to use the latest pop culture terminology) to describe one who feels compelled to help others to the point of hurting themself and the intended compassionate recipient. The best line is these two books is that codependents do "all the wrong things for all the right reasons."

One of the most interesting, and least explored, concepts covered in the chronology or pattern of behavior. Here's my take:

First, the codependent is essentially a victim of somebody else's addictive or destructive behavior. As such, they are to be pitied and helped.

Next, the codependent tries to figure out how to cope with a situation that is not their fault and they have no control over. The natural instinct is to try to gain some control over the situation. But instead of doing it the healthy way--controlling themself by setting boundaries and knowing how to enforce them--they try to control the other person by "helping" them in various ways.

Lastly, when the problem gets worse and worse, the codependent becomes angry, bitter and dejected as a result of their failed attempts to gain some level of control over a situation that was already impossibly difficult to deal with. It is at this point that a codependent becomes an ugly force to be reckoned with. As they bounce between the second and third phase, they may play a Jekyll & Hyde game appearing intensely angry and controlling at some moments and at other moments seem to be the kindest, most giving person possible. It is at this stage that the original victim can become abusive.

At first, most people will be naturally drawn to a codependent because of the codependent's ability to give and give and give and give. When it eventually becomes apparent that the charitable behaviors are actually a warped way of controlling the world around them, a psychologically healthy person will turn the other direction and run as fast as they can. They will be able to sense inherently that their boundaries are being infringed on in a subtle and destructive manner.

I spent a lot of time pondering the conflict between charity and codependency, and wondering if I could really bring this book in line with my religious views. I'll save that for a separate blog entry. I also pondered my own tendency toward codependency. Did I learn behaviors that have been passed down through the generations? Or do I have some trauma I am dealing with in my life? Whatever the answer, my New Year's Resolution is to stop worrying about other people and learn to love and accept myself. So far, it's feeling fabulous and I think it is helping me to be more charitable toward others, rather than less charitable.

Okay, enough of explanations. I thought the concepts covered in these books were eye-opening and instructive. I think it's a great paradigm to explore. However, I think a better book could be written. Codependent No More is essentially the Go To book about codependency. I found it well written, but somewhat rambling and repetitive. (Somewhat like this blog?) Just as I found myself intrigued by a concept, the author would go into some lengthy story that only partially made sense to me, as somebody who has never dealt with an alcoholic or chemically dependent person. I actually enjoyed Beyond Codependency more because it dealt more with solutions to the problem than lengthy descriptions. Once I "got it," I "got it" and was bored with further detail in the first book.

I found myself wishing for a book that was written for a wider audience and in more broad terms, with less focus on the alcoholism angle. As it turns out, I found the perfect book by accident. I saw a book at Deseret Book titled "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" and was reminded of the codependency angle. So I bought it on a whim. It's exactly what I didn't realize I was looking for and it'll be up next in this four-part series of Self Help book reviews.

For more information about codependency:

According to Mental Health America (some random website I found online, which described it better than most) the symptoms of codependency are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
  
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
  
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
  
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
  
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
  
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
  
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
  
• A compelling need to control others
  
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
  
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
  
• Difficulty identifying feelings
  
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
  
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries

Book Talk :: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
by Beverly Engel

As opposed to The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, this book was fair, even and dedicated to working toward a solution. It explored in depth (or rather, encouraged the reader to explore in depth) the root causes of abuse. It explored the reasons why people become abusive, and why people become targets of abuse. The reasons are remarkably similar.

This book encouraged introspection, rather than blaming. By the most broad definitions, everybody is abusive at some point in their life to some degree. When you recognize that certain behaviors are abusive--or shall we say, they cross a boundary?--you start to see it everywhere. A lot of people cross boundaries with good intentions and with very light hearts. It's understandable and easy to forgive. (Others do so maliciously to control others--and I find that behavior sickening and demeaning.)

This book accentuated the fact that "abuse" is a term which describes an entire continuum of behaviors, from mildly annoying to severely damaging. From that point of view, I found it very uncomfortable because it made me a tad paranoid about myself and other people. A friend would make a sarcastic joke and I would think, "That was abusive" instead of "Good old so-and-so." Or I would snap in frustration at my kids and think, "Was that just discipline? Or was that verbal abuse? Or both? Or neither--maybe just me feeling frustrated and taking it out on them?!?!" I guess that is the point of self help books--to make us think about our lives and relationships in another light, with the goal of using that information to improve things?

I think that this book could be an interesting read for anybody, not just people who have a history of dishing out or accepting emotional abuse. It has a lot of interesting things to think about.

The book starts with some broad defining chapters, then moves on to discuss the root of abuse. It talks about how our world is defined so much in our childhood that trauma in our youth can take years to overcome. Today at my twins' annual checkup, our pediatrician said that this year will be a defining year for the two of them. Many people think of how "normal" life is (for better or worse, I might add) according to how life was when they were about three years old. This makes sense.

The book then has chapters that are checklists for both "how to stop being abused" and "how to stop abusing." It assumes that people want to change for the better and are capable of doing so. This is a big improvement from The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

I easily give this book an A for its coverage of the subject matter and I recommend it as interesting reading to people who are interested in human psychology, interpersonal communication, or those who recognize that something in their past or current relationships is uncomfortable to them. I learned a lot and I think I made some positive changes in my attitude toward others as a result of this book.

P.S. Thanks to my friend "Q" for the book recommendation. It was fun to talk about it with you!

Snuggles

Last, but not least, a Happy Birthday blog post to Mr. E. He may be Tommy's twin, but they're as different as can be. Easy going? See below.


Elijah is cram-packed full of personality. (See above.) He has an opinion on everything and he holds all of his opinions very strongly! He is never wishy-washy. That being said, he's as sweet as can be most of the time. He is my snuggler, who wants to just have Mommy hold him and cuddle him and be close to him. He gives great hugs and kisses and is oh-so-affectionate. My nickname for him is "Snuggles" because he's so snuggly.

Elijah is a "people" person. He might be shy at first, but just give him a minute. He adores playing with people until he wears them out. He wants to be in the middle of whatever is going on--while Tommy is off reading a book or taking apart the printer. (No joke: Tommy disassembled the cover to the printer while I was blogging about what a sweetheart he is. Grrr...)

Another funny tidbit regarding Elijah is that he has The Loudest Voice On The Planet. If you doubt my sincerity, just check out how I capitalized that: The Loudest Voice On The Planet. You can tell I'm serious. I'm pretty sure that he and Joseph have given me some hearing loss, since Joseph can always hear my cell phone ringing about 5-10 seconds before I can hear it. There's nothing like a child screaming three inches from your eardrum. Good times, good times.

We couldn't decide whether to name him Elijah or Eli. First it was Elijah and the nurse in the hospital wrote "Elijah" on the card next to his newborn crib thingee. Then we changed our minds and she changed it to say "Eli." Then I read the bible stories of Eli and decided he was a bit creepy, while the prophet Elijah was just awesome. So we decided we could always give him "Eli" as a nickname. As it turns out, we rarely use the nickname "Eli" and instead always refer to him as "Lijah" or just "Lije". I know it's weird but these things just happen.

Like his twin brother, Elijah has blue eyes. I haven't calculated the odds of both of my twins having blue eyes, but it must be pretty extreme since neither of his parents have blue eyes. (I like to tell people that the mailman has blue eyes.... but I don't even know who the mailman is in this neighborhood so that joke falls a bit flat.)

Elijah is a real delight, just like his two older (only slightly, in one case) brothers. He is so playful and loving. He is the most helpful boy I can imagine and by far the most obedient of my three children. Happy Birthday, 'lijah!

This concludes my three part series covering our Birthday Marathon Extravaganza. Hope you've enjoyed it. Kids are so darn cute.

"T" for Thomas

What did I tell you about the rain? I love this time of year. I especially love it after the marathon of birthday parties is over with. When the twins were born, I said I would have a separate birthday cake, party, etc. for each of my children, even if I was tempted to squish them together.

So far I'm doing so-so on that promise: the twins had to share a birthday party (which really makes sense for the sake of my relative's nerves) but got separate cakes. Sort of. But that's another story. Nonetheless, Joseph had a family party + a friends party, so the twins party was the third party of a very busy week. I'm glad that week is over. To celebrate, here are a few fun tidbits about my "middle" child, Thomas. He's older than Elijah by one minute.

We couldn't tell the twins apart much when they were born, which shocks me now. I can tell their baby pictures apart now that I have known them for so long, but they were strangers during those first few hours. Thomas had a little bit of fuzz that quickly disappeared. He was essentially bald for about two years, since the hair he did have was so blonde that it was practically invisible.

I'm still in shock that I have a blonde-hair, blue-eyed child.

Thomas' nickname is "Sunshine" because he is such a ray of joy in my life. He rarely fusses about anything and takes everything in stride. Even when he gets very, very upset he stays relatively quiet about it and gets over it quickly. The best word to describe Tommy is "easy going." Thank heaven. Literally. I needed a child like this.

The other best word to describe Thomas is "inquisitive." He quietly observes the world around him, then tries to disassemble it (mentally or physically) to see what he can learn. I'm sad that I couldn't find my picture of him sitting in a pile of books when he was under a year old. He would take every book off the bookshelf, make a little "nest" of books around himself and then sit there staring at them for a long time. It amazed me.

He still loves books. He knows all of his letters, most of his letter sounds and can string basic letter sounds together if he wants to. He can read "Thomas," "Elijah," "EXIT," "Dad" and "Mom" among others. I still can't believe that he is learning to sound out words at his age! For a while, we thought he'd be reading before Joseph! His Halloween costume was a cape with this written on the back: "ABC MAN." It's Thomas to a "T".

I am so grateful for my little Thomas Spencer. Happy Birthday, Sunshine!!

It Always Rains

It's no secret that I'm a sentimental fool. I felt my heart melting a little bit this morning when I woke up to see evidence of rain on the front walk. It always seems to rain on the week of Joseph's birthday. Rain was slowly drizzling when Joseph was born. In honor of Joe Joe's birthday this week, here are a few things about the little guy and one picture for each calendar year he's been alive:

* When Joseph was born, he came out screaming. It was indicative of what was to follow. I couldn't take him to the grocery store because he would randomly just start yelling about.. who knows what? It was embarrassing. When we went to church, I am positive people were ready to call DCFS because he would do the same thing: just start screaming bloody murder for no apparent reason. Dozens of people would turn around and stare at me to see if I was hurting him. I would try to smile through my embarrassement.

* When Joseph was born, he was such a trooper. With an oxygen mask, tubes up his nose, monitors all over his body and machines constantly beeping at him that his Something-or-Other level was dangerously high/low/worrisome, he sat there takin' it like a man. I remember watching his little chest going up and down, up and down, and being amazed at how he didn't complain.

* Joseph just wasn't interested in talking for the longest time. We got really worried and people would ask, "He isn't talking yet?" Then the floodgates opened and he's never stopped.

* Joseph is one of the most generous kids I've known. Yesterday we went to the store to buy some treats for his school class and he insisted that he buy them himself. I told him I'd pay but he wouldn't let me. He spent two months allowance on it and when the teacher gave him the left over treats to bring back home, he said he had a better idea. He wanted his teacher to give the treats to the principal and other teachers at the school. What a kid.

* Don't you dare try to call him "Joey" or "Joe." He particularly hates "Joe" because we told him people call coffee a "cup of Joe." I can still get away with Joe Joe or JJ sometimes, but he will always tell people angrily: "I'm not JOE... I'm Joseph!!"

* Joseph and I are best friends. We argue and fight with each other all the time because Joseph is smart and won't accept simple answers. Especially the answer, "No, Joseph!" Everything has to be explained. Despite that, we laugh together and love to joke and have a good time together. We love to explore and learn new things together. Joseph especially loves science: outer space and human biology are his favorite subjects. ("Mom, why is carbon dioxide bad for your body?" "I don't know.. it just is...I think" "But why Mom? How come only oxygen is good?" "There are plenty of things that are good for your body, but ummm..." "So how come carbon dioxide is so bad?" "Grrrrr....")

* I love Joseph's name. It means "The Lord will increase." After several years of infertility, Joseph was my own little miracle and I felt he was a gift from God. His name suits him perfectly. I also love how international his name is: Yusuf, Guiseppe, Jose, Pepe, Iosef and Che are a few variations. Awesome.

* Happy Birthday this week, JJ. I love you. It may be raining outside, but there is sunshine in my soul.

Too close for comfort

Joseph asked me this morning what an earthquake is like. We talked about it a little bit and I told him I hope he never has to find out what a bad quake it like.

Then I opened up CNN to find this waiting:

Strong Quake Rocks Nevada :: Epicenter 150 miles from Salt Lake City

Too close for comfort.

No Surprise Here

Take the Quiz here!

I've always pictured myself as Elizabeth Bennet. This quiz proves it. Right? Who wouldn't want to be Lizzie? She's smart, funny, observant, moderately attractive ("Though not enough to tempt me" says Darcy), and loyal to her crazy family no matter how dysfunctional they are. I actually have small statuettes of Darcy & Elizabeth in my bedroom.

But let's be honest: is Darcy the best of the Austen heros? Even with his ten thousand a year? I am more inclined to think I would be suited for Snape's character in Sense & Sensibility. Or possibly whatshisbucket in Northanger Abbey. Although to be honest, I'd probably be the one trying to rescue the villainous Henry Crawford from Mansfield Park and later regretting it. Oh, wait.. it's coming to me. Captain Wentworth is the one for me. There you go. Can't argue with that, can you? He's charming, good looking, serious, sensible, intelligent and loyal.

All joking aside, my favorite thing about Elizabeth Bennet is one line from Pride & Prejudice: "I dearly love to laugh." Me and Lizzie all the way on that one.

The Philosophy of Lemons

People say:

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!

Why is that some people live life like this:

When somebody hands you a cool, sweet glass of lemonade, try to make it a lemon!

I love being around people who can enjoy their lemonade for what it is.

The Closet Economist

I've found myself divided on this blog in the last few months between my day-to-day sarcastic ramblings and my dry economic thoughts. So I've decided to divide and conquer!

From now on, my left-brained econ, finance, budgeting and real estate thoughts will be at The Closet Economist at http://closeteconomist.blogspot.com/

If you're so inclined to come share some thoughts with me there, come on over and enjoy. Today I blogged about budgeting for your mortgage payment, automatic withdrawals, deposits and the joy of money market accounts. I'd love to open some discourses about how other budget and manage their money. Everyone has their own system and I'd love to hear about yours so leave me a comment and tell me what works for you!

Not your cup of tea? Well, at least it won't clutter this space any longer!

The New Mitt?

Feeling bad that Mitt's out of the running?

You said your voting wasn't affected by his religion. That would be irresponsible not to consider the issues. But come on. It at least piqued your interest, right? Let's be honest.

Well, if you're bummed that you can't vote "Mormon" since Mitt left the presidential race, there's good news!

There are two "candidates" on American Idol that are LDS. It may not be the presidential race, but we both know that you're more likely to vote for American Idol. I mean, you can vote from home. You don't have to register and you don't have to drive all the way over to the local school and wait in line. The bad news is you don't get a cute little "I Voted" sticker when you're done, but that would just be icing.

Here are the two new Mitts: Brooke White from Mesa, Arizona who says she has never seen an R-rated movie, and doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs. And 17-year-old David Archuleta from Murray, Utah who is just so darling and has such an amazing voice!

So if you're missing Mitt, take hope. And if you're not one to let religion sway you, cast your A.I. vote for the vocal style of Michael Johns. Good stuff.

Serious Confession Time

I have a confession to make.

When I was in the 3rd grade, I threw a spelling bee so I could get to speech therapy. I kept watching the minutes tick, tick, tick. I was sick of spelling words. So I purposefully misspelled one and then cheerfully skipped down the hall to get more lessons on how to say "Rabbit" instead of "Wabbit."

Man, it's good to get that off my chest.

The Refi :: Final Chapter

We closed our loan today to refinance our home. For those of you who have asked about my refinancing experience, we were very satisfied with our mortgage company throughout the process. It was simple, smooth and headache-free. So Box Home Loans still gets my thumbs up and recommendation for those who fit "Inside the Box."

The two best things about our refi:

1. I never, ever, ever, ever have to deal with Zion's Bank again... except to close out my accounts and stick my tongue out at them in parting.

2. Since we consolidated our first and second mortgage, we now only have one debt payment every month. It's a great feeling.

Book Talk :: The Verbally Abusive Relationship

This is part one of a four part series of self-help books that I have read in recent months. They work together and build on each other in interesting ways.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship
by Patricia Evans

This entry will be more of a story than a real book review.

I've been fascinated for a long time by the subject of verbal & emotional abuse. I call it "white collar" abuse. Like white collar crime is harder to detect and a bit more sophisticated than knocking an old lady on the head with a beer bottle. What I call "white collar abuse" is abuse that is quietly and secretly rampant in all levels of society but more generally accepted--even encouraged in some circles. It is what my aunt calls "The Invisible Heartbreaker" in an article that she wrote for the Ensign magazine. I love that article.

So that's why I picked up "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." It sounded kinda interesting and I thought it might have some pointers on good communication skills. (Yes, I majored in "Communications" but it was Mass Media, and not interpersonal...) And the book was really cheap. Bada bing bada boom. Done deal.

I was totally unprepared for what happened while I read it. For months, I had been feeling a growing level of anxiety. I was reluctantly ready to get medicated to deal with the problem, but after reading this book and another one about verbal & emotional abuse (I'll do that review shortly), my anxiety melted away to a reasonable level.

As I read the examples and stories in this book, I suddenly realized that I've been a vulnerable target for verbal abuse for years! I put the pieces together and saw a pattern of what had happened on a social level and even on a professional level. More importantly, I realized an important truth: IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.

Sure, I'm not the easiest person to deal with at times. But I have never deserved to be treated the way people have treated me. Nobody deserves that. I have no desire to rehash the details of what has happened to me, but I will admit that it has made this grown woman sob for hours. It has made me feel that I had nothing to offer anybody--and that I had no intrinsic worth. It made me question for sanity. It made me question why God had created me and why he hadn't struck me dead yet.

What I'm saying is: verbal abuse is serious stuff and it was causing serious problems in my life. I can't overestimate how serious this kind of abuse is. This book helped me to get my head out of the mud and see some important truths. Most importantly, knowing that there wasn't something inherently wrong with me changed my life. My anxiety is slowly disappearing and I am learning to actually enjoy life more.

Now, to the nitty gritty: this book was a good starting point, but it could NOT stand on its' own. It focused way too much energy on villainizing "abusers." I have a personal theory that the same things create abusers and victims--some go one way, some go the other, and a whole lot of them go both ways in different relationships.

Patricia Evans spent a lot of energy saying that most abusers cannot and will not change because they are fundamentally bad. My religious sentiments reject that completely. It's comforting to a victim of verbal abuse to feel like they are completely innocent while that other person is the bad guy. I don't buy it. Every person is complex and difficult to understand. Best to leave it at that.

Another important point is that this book is extremely sexist. She has one line saying that she's just using men as an example, although men or women can be verbally abusive. That one line doesn't erase the fact that the rest of the book is man-bashing and discriminatory. Just my opinion. I foresee fewer men than women ever giving this book much respect.

Also, this book was really repetitive. I think it could have been half as long and explained the fundamental ideas fully. That wouldn't have sold as well, however. So you gotta do what you gotta do, eh? I would encourage anybody who wants to read this book to do so with a VERY open mind, trying to decide for themself what is true and what is trite. I found some basic truths but they were wedged in with a bunch of junk, in my opinion.

Still, I'm grateful for what I learned and how it started me on a very healthy pathway. So I recommend it to others--with caveats firmly in place.

Next up in my line of reviews: "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship," ""Codependent No More" and ""I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better."