How was your day?

Warning: this blog post is hideously filled with self pity and patheticness. Continue at your own risk.

You or somebody like you : "Hey, Juliana, how was your day?"

Me: "Fabulous, as always! How are you?"

How good are you at reading between the lines? If you were an expert, this is what you'd find:

Me: "Well, I went into the doctor yesterday because I have a lump in my abdomen that I've never felt before. Ya know, it's probably nothing but it could be something life-changing or deadly. Sweet. So yeah, he scheduled a CT scan and I said, 'What does that involve?' and he said, 'It's just an X-ray. No big deal.' Sweet again. So I scheduled it for this afternoon and they told me I'd have to fast all day before it. Yeah, okay, no prob. I do that every month. But then yesterday around 10 p.m. I was like watching a movie and stuff and remembered that the carpets were getting cleaned here at my house today, so I had to like move all the furniture and stuff, ya know? So we stayed up until midnight moving the big stuff but there was still a tooooooonnnn that had to get done this morning... while fasting. So then I got to bed after midnight and then the kids wouldn't sleep well because they're sick and have high fevers, which incidentally freaks me out because my brother died of meningitis when the only sign my mom had was a fever the night before which she thought wasn't a big deal. So anyway, they kept waking up and I kept stressin' and not sleeping and I'm on a medication right now which makes it hard for me to sleep anyway. So the highlight of the day was that the kids (after not sleeping during the night) slept in until.. drumroll please... 7:15!!!!!!!! Can you believe it? I was totally stoked. I was so tired that I literally couldn't move or open my eyes, but when you're a mom, what ya gonna do? So I got up, tried to feed the kids breakfast even though all of our furniture was in the dining room and there wasn't anywhere to sit but I had to eat before 8:00 a.m. because of the x-ray thing. So then I had 20 minutes to clean the rest of the house (HA!!!!) before driving my nephew to school. It was good to see my nephew, but then I had to come back and work my head off to clean an entire tornado's worth of toys from the toy room, move a toddler bed, three mattresses, miscellaneous furniture and trash random disgusting garbage that no good housekeeper wants to see on their carpets. Yeah, it was nauseating on more than one level. Then, while the kids cried because they hate the vacuum, I vacuumed the entire house while trying to listen for the doorbell because the carpet guy was due already. He finally came and said it would be "6-10 hours" until it was dry. Huh. Okay, so we hopped in the car and fed the boys lunch at Wendy's, which normally sickens me, but since I was fasting, it naturally looked like the most delicious food on the planet. (Eww!) Then dropped Joseph at school, drove to my Mom's house where the twins zonked out for nap time early. I had just fallen asleep for a much-needed nap when Tommy woke up crying. I tried to ignore it but my conscience is too healthy to let a sick child cry for long. Dang. When I got Tommy, he was burning up. He sat there on my lap, listless and exhausted and breathed hot, hot air onto my arm. I didn't know what to do and called the nurse and felt like a totally lame over-anxious mom because the nurse essentially didn't care whether my son had a fever or not. Fine. Tommy sat on a barstool and laid his head onto a counter, ignoring the snack I got for him while I sat down to try to relax at the piano, singing a new song. My singing woke Elijah up (which was fine) and then it was time to rush all the way back to my neighborhood to pick up Joseph before my CT scan. Joseph got home late and I didn't get back to my Mom's house (where there was miscellaneous babysitting drama as the day went on) to drop the kids off until two minutes before my appointment time. I rushed to the hospital (15 minutes late) and then sat while two co-workers jabbered with each other instead of checking me in. When the registration person asked if I wanted to just pay the $25 copay or know the full amount I was going to get billed for, I said, "Just the $25 please" and rushed across the hall to radiology. When I got there, they said that my appointment would take 50% longer than expected and I needed to down six cups of disgusting tasting stuff before the appointment--one cup every 15 minutes. I sat there watching "Extra" feeling bored and anxious. Then they sprung on me that I'd need an IV for a medication coursing through my veins. I HATE IVs. HATE. So now I was filling my bladder with nasty stuff and I was going to have it coursing directly into my bloodstream, too. Awesome. I wondered how my miserable little Tommy was doing with the babysitter. Poor little guy. After about an hour of waiting, I discovered that I was developing a nasty case of.. well, you don't want to know. I rushed to the bathroom... twice... before they finally took me in to the torture chamber. They told me that I'd have to quit one of my medications for 24 hours after this and when I asked why out of curiosity, they sort of looked aside and said, "It just doesn't react well to this." That did not boost my confidence. As I stretched out in the lovely stylish hospital gown, I stared up at the huge machine over me and was entranced by a little red light. Then a small sign below said something like, "Don't stare into the laser." So I shut my eyes and kept them shut. Did I mention I sometimes get a tad claustrophobic? The person doing the scan told me, "When I inject the medicine, it'll feeling really strange, but don't worry. Your kidneys will filter it out within about 60 seconds." Dont' the kidneys work to remove TOXINS from the body? My comfort level in what was happening dropped a little further. When it was done, the radiology tech asked how I was doing and thought I was being particularly funny when I replied, and I quote: "Other than the emotional trauma, I'd doing just fine." I walked out of the radiology room feeling like I'd been absolutely run over. And needed to find a bathroom again soon. I drove home and asked the husband man to pick the kids up so I could rest a bit. Drove to Taco Bell and discovered that when I've been fasting, Taco Bell's spicy chicken soft taco is the most delicious food on the planet. So I came home, walked across the wet carpet and pulled some of the furniture out of the heap upstairs so I could sit down and watch TV to unwind. I've never seen "High School Musical" but keep hearing that it's so good so I DVR'd "High School Musical 2" and watched part of it. To my chagrin, I found it rather amusing. I like to pretend like I'm so stinkin' cerebral but... ya know. I had to pause the movie regularly to make emergency visits to the bathroom, which was highly unpleasant. When the kids got home and I started walking to Joseph's bedroom, I started feeling dizzy like I was gonna pass out so Joseph offered me a shoulder, which melted my heart. With his assistance, I got him into bed and stumbled around the house randomly until I decided that a good blogging session would clear my mind and help me relax. Voila. Oh, I'm sorry, did you just want me to lie and say 'Fabulous?' My bad."