O.P.E.R.ation: Internet

Imagine it's Christmas morning. You have a cold. It's not going to ruin your festivities, but you feel just a bit mellowed out as your body fights off infection. The zest and fire has gone out of your eyes. As you open presents, you mutter a quiet, "Thank you very much" as people watch on, hoping they chose the perfect gift.

Your mother-in-law is annoyed. She has been planning this perfect gift for months. She special-ordered it from Sweden. And now you hardly seem excited at all. She thinks you don't like it. In your heart, you are touched and overwhelmed, but that cursed cold just makes an enthusiastic response impossible.

You've fallen victim to what I call: Obligation to Provide an Emotional Response (O.P.E.R.) Most people gauge your feelings by what they view as your emotional response to what is being said or done. You seem happy: they assume you're happy. You seem sad: they assume you're sad. This is fairly straightforward, but can cause problems because our emotions are not always straightforward.

I hate opening gifts in front of other people because of the O.P.E.R. I don't perform well under pressure. In fact, when I feel that a specific emotional response is expected, I generally have performance anxiety and the performance comes out flat. Then I feel like I've let down the gift giver and given them the impression that I'm not overwhelmingly enthusiastic about the new pot holder they gave me. (Errr ... okay, so sometimes my lack of Emotional Response is rather genuine, I admit.)

I also hate to put others under an Obligation to Provide an Emotional Response. It's just this weird thing about me. I'd prefer that others open my presents when I'm not there, unless it's something I'm really jazzed about. (Sorry, Alyson, I had to give you THAT gift in person! I was way too excited about it!)

Which brings me to the point of all this: the internet. I think this is the reason why people so frequently choose email or Facebook or Instant Messaging over face-to-face (or phone-to-phone) communication. There is no O.P.E.R. attached. Or if there is, there is a delayed obligation and the second party has plenty of time to word their feelings appropriately--even delete, revise, adjust, get feedback about, sleep on and reword those feelings until they are expressed with just the right amount of oomph.

When I email someone and ask a favor, I know they have time to think it over, look at their calendar and talk to their spouse before agreeing to the favor. Calling them on the phone feels like I'm putting them on the spot. I hate doing that. When my Dad emails me to ask what my kids would like for Christmas, I have time to look over the amazon.com wishlist I made for them, decide which items I'll be investing in personally and then send him a well-thought-out reply with good suggestions.

Facebook is even vaguer. I can communicate outward to whoever is connected to me, not knowing who will read my message or when it will be read. Therefore, there is almost no O.P.E.R. When people do reply, it is a surprise and a gift. When people do not reply, there is no problem because there was no obligation involved. The same holds true with blogging. You are under no obligation to read this insanely periphrastic rambling. (That was a great Word of the Day a few weeks ago... describes me, unfortunately, too well.)

If you do read it, I have no way of knowing you read it, so I will never know what your Emotional Response was (nausea? embarrassment? a knowing shake of the head side to side?) unless you choose to leave a comment and put it in words (which you can revise, edit and even choose to delete if you prefer.)

Despite all that, I'm not a person to sit here and feel content with my laptop and a bowl of chocolates. I need people ... not just in the safety of the low expectations of the cyber world. I need to laugh with you, talk with you and cry with you. So let's get together. Email me and we'll figure out when.