Curious
Today I am taking my oldest son to his pediatrician to discuss ADHD. Before my trip to Germany, I took him to a psychologist for testing. I had very mixed feelings about the whole process and dragged my feet quite a bit. I was hoping for some therapeutic, behavioral, psychological advice. Instead, I was told that medication would change all our lives and I should get him on medication ASAP.
My son has been a "full speed, straight ahead!" type of child from the first. He was precocious and demanding as an infant, impulsive and demanding as a toddler and now defiant and demanding as a school-age boy. I adore him and his amazing sense of creativity, but I literally feel worn out the first moment I hear his voice in the morning because the first sound is always some sort of demand.
I want to be a nice, fun, laid-back Mom but I haven't had the chance with my son. He is always pushing the boundaries, demanding more and seeing what he can get away with. I have to constantly restrict him, discipline him and keep everything ordered and methodical or else the entire family seems to explode from within. My nerves are getting a bit raw just thinking about it!
Sometimes I wonder if it's my fault as a Mom, but I've finally accepted that different children have different temperaments and this is just how my son is. The twins are far less demanding and far more affectionate and laid-back. My parenting style works much better with them. So I just need to figure out how to mesh my parenting style with my oldest boy's temperament. It's a long process and always under review... which itself is exhausting.
So I am finally taking Joseph in to discuss medication. I have been very reluctant to do this. I'm not sure why. It's complicated. It's emotional. It's way more personal than I can really detail here. But I'm curious about what the doctor will say and I'm curious what affect this could have on Joseph and, consequently, the whole family.
Anxious about social stereotypes
ADHD has become a buzz word, a social phenomenon, a running joke. People throw out insults in the form of "You are SO ADHD! You drive me crazy!" without thinking that ADHD is a real concern for real people. Others seem to believe that ADHD is a fictitious problem--a convenient label to slap on the problem kids to make people feel better about themselves. Some talk about the over-medication of America, which I tend to agree with in a lot of ways.
ADHD is that label that teachers use with each other as they sigh and pat each other on the back. "I have 5 ADHD kids this year!" a teacher will say to another teacher. They'll both groan and feel underpaid.
The stereotypes and social stigma surrounding ADHD are ugly. Considering that kids with ADHD are more prone to getting into trouble and not meeting their full potentials, they are highly susceptible to developing anxiety and depression as secondary side effects. The last thing these vulnerable kids need is the stigma of being "an ADHD kid" with all the associated baggage. It makes my temperature rise ... considerably ... and I want to shelter my son from the unkindness.
Anxious about doing the right thing
My feelings about ADHD are very complicated because it has affected my life directly in several ways. I fear that I won't look at the situation in a detached, analytical manner. I want to just do what is right for my son. How do I know if the medication really is safe? Yes, it's been tested and it won't cause him to sprout a third arm, but you can't tell me that the full impact is really understood.
The body is intricately, insanely complex and I question the ability of research to ever fully understand the impact of environmental or medical influences. So how do I know that drugging my son up every single day for his entire childhood and adolescense ... and maybe adulthood? ... is really the best thing to do?
How can I not try it, though, when so many people have pushed and prodded and told me that life will be so much better for all of us, including my son, if he is medicated. How can I not give him every chance to lead a more fulfilling life and gain confidence and real friendships? How could I withhold that from him? So I am putting my anxieties to the side for now and trying to keep an open mind. I have to figure out what is best for my son and that's not as straightforward as people seem to believe.
Hope for a solution
I'm so worn out. I'm sick of the arguing, defiance, anger, questioning, emotional mayhem and lack of respect. I'm sick of the time-outs and the constant need to look for ways to encourage my son to offset the fact that he's constantly in trouble! I'm sick of seeing his little face fall when he knows that he is in trouble ... AGAIN. I'm sick of being the instrument of lower self-esteem by constantly discipling him. I'm sick of all of it. I want to start enjoying my time with him more.
So I am hopeful that everyone is right and ADHD medication is the answer to all my prayers. I'm hopeful that people haven't overexaggerated the benefit my son will see. I'm hopeful that we can find a better place for our family with less anger and less crying and less arguing all around. I hate contention and I hate all the negative emotions brewing ... that just isn't my cup of tea. So I am excited today to see if a new chapter of life is unfolding.
Wary of expecting too much
I'm wary that I expect too much! I'm worried that people have talked up ADHD medication so much that I'll be disappointed.
* * *
I want to be cautious.
I want to be hopeful.
I want to be open-minded.
I want to do the right thing for my son.
I want to be a good Mom.
Heaven help me.
Wow, that was a beautiful post, Juliana. You are amazing. God bless you and the kids. You are a good mother, I can feel it in all the words you write, and I have seen it in action. I'll be praying for you and Joseph both.
ReplyDeleteJuliana, I could have written this post. My oldest has ADHD and possibly ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). I went through the exact same feelings of doubt, failure, worry, etc. for years before finally deciding to try medication. My son was CONSTANTLY being punished, and I knew that was no life for him (or us!). The medication helps. It's not a miracle wonder-cure, but it does help. And the first one you try might not be the right one. Ask a lot of questions, monitor his weight (many ADHD medications are appetite suppressants) and most of all, forgive yourself for this situation you could have done NOTHING to prevent. Let me know if you need an ear.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, friend. Trust your instincts. You may sense such a strong improvement in the overall mood of your family and never have to question your decision again!
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I have a whole multitude of feelings involving this manner... that I wont' get into now. But I think that anyone looking to medication as a miracle worker is setting themselves up for disappointment. Therapy, Parent training and other skills or neessary as well to overcome any pschylogical trial, (as you know and are clearly taking care of). However I do feel that it is important to knwo that medication, (the right kind) can make a huge difference. Our bodies our made up of so many chemicals, now more and more, genetically and with everythign around us those chemicals are becoming imblanced. It's not ones fault. It's just happening. And medication can be a very useful tool in understanding and working through these trials--espically when it is causing so many relationship traumas. Good luck. And remember the first medication may not always work. Don't be afriad to try others and dont' be afriad to stop if it's not working. With one of my children it's taken 5 different meds to figure it out. Sometimes you are lucky on the first try. Let me know how things work.
ReplyDeleteI do disagree with the streo-type. I think there use to be that stero-type, however I've been impressed with how understanding the schools, neighbors, and family are becoming. 20 years ago ADHD was a nightmare, now there is a huge support among people.
Good luck.
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ReplyDeleteHello - I happened upon your blog post and I feel your pain and frustrations - because I have experienced the same crazy emotions as I had to decide if medication was necessary for my adhd son. I have tried therapy, diet, vitamin supplements and plenty of prayer. Finally, I gave in a tried medication. There is so much to say about this but I would like to tell you two sweet stories.
ReplyDeleteThe first week that my son had been on medication (he was in second grade) he wrote a book at school. It was about a little dragon. The little dragon wanted to be good but it was too hard for him. One day the little dragon's mom taught him a magic spell that finally helped him be good. The last line of the book was: the little dragon was finally happy.
The other story is actually a conversation that I had with my son. The night before I was planning to give him his meds for the first time I explained to him what they were for and how we were going to see if they could help him. I told him they were supposed to make him feel more calm and help him to get thing done at school and at home.
He said "How long have you known about these pills?"
I told him I was just learning all about them now.
He said "Why didn't you try to find out about them before now?"
Despite my hang ups about medicating my child - I do not regret it for one moment. His self esteem alone is worth it.
One other thought: I read a study on ADD/ADHD adults. The study compared those that were medicated as children with those that were not. Between the 2 groups there was only ONE significant difference. Those who were not medicated had predominantly sad memories. Those who had been medicated had happy memories of childhood.
Medication works for us - and I consider myself my child's advocate now more than his constant disciplinarian. Meds do not absolve all symptoms of ADD/ADHD but for those that have severe cases they can make the user functional.
Good luck to you - and to your little boy!
Thanks to everyone who has left me encouraging words here. They mean a lot!
ReplyDeleteHello Juliana,
ReplyDeleteI was looking for a blog that was for Mormon bloggers (not on google's blogspot), but I came across your site. You have a fun style and you are a good writer. I am wondering if there is a follow up to your "Mixed feelings about ADHD"? Growing up with ADHD (and still struggling with it) and now seeing my daughter have to deal with it; I am wondering if your son did get on the medicine, and what your feelings/experience are now, now that is has been almost two months, (if he did). I struggle with so many of the same issues of what you wrote about. I simply do not know what I should do. "To drug or not to drug", that is the question. I would love to hear back from you. Perhaps I will check back here by the end of Sept. Thanks!!
LDS D.S. 09-13-09
*(I don't know if you get this directly emailed to you or if you have to constantly check under your comments[if you will see it, at all?]. Obviously, I don't know; I'm not a blogger - too much for my brain to sit and write.:l )