Phone-a-phobia

I'm afraid I'm going to become the online equivalent of that little old lady who always tells the same stories. I'm not going to browse through my 170 previous posts to figure out what ground we've already covered. So I may get repetitive. My apologies.

I have the telephone on my mind today: a beautiful modern convenience. Before the telephone, instant communication was only available via face-to-face contact. If you needed to get a message somewhere quickly, you didn't have the option to pick up the phone and dial a phone number.

It's good to ponder it occasionally, even if it seems too far away to comprehend or care about. I try to remind myself how wonderful the telephone is whenever I need to call somebody because I HATE calling people on the phone. I feel tense and anxious and can't wait to get the dreaded phone call out of the way. When people call me to chat socially, I have a mixed reaction. I love connecting with friends--THAT is one of my favorite things in the world. I love people. But the telephone just rubs me the wrong way.

Three reasons why the telephone is an inferior method of modern communication:

1. You can't read facial expressions over the phone. Some people's verbal expression is easy to understand. Others' sarcasm and/or lack of expression makes it difficult to get the underlying subtleties.

2. My telephone is like a Pavlov's bell for my children. It means, "Start crying! Start clinging on Mom's arms and don't let go until she pries you off and slams her bedroom door in your face, locking your temporary "need"iness out! You need a snack! You need a drink! You spilled something and one of your brothers needs Mom immediately. It's an emergency! Scream! Cry! Don't stop until she's off the phone!"

3. The telephone is actually a touch too immediate for my tastes. The best communication in the world is face-to-face for most things, but a close second is online chatting. Why? Because you can talk at whatever pace you're comfortable with. If somebody says something completely shocking to you, you can collect your thoughts and pause for 30 seconds before you reply. On the phone, a 30 second pause would be like a slap in the face. You just don't do it. And if you say, "Hold on, let me think" then you sound like a slow-brained fool.

So when I'm on the phone, I just rattle off whatever randomly comes to mind instead of taking time to pull my thoughts together. The result is like totally whatever and stuff and everything like that, ya know? I feel pressured on the phone to reply immediately. My first reaction is not always my best. I may be an internet addict, but at least I have a good rationale behind it, thank you very much. (Face-to-face interaction is such a good connection that I don't mind the "Hi I'm an idiot because I can't take two seconds to think about my reply" factor. I still make a fool of myself, but at least we can laugh together and relax and be together.) (My senior thesis for my bachelor's degree was actually about Internet Relay Chat, if you could believe it, because I find the subject worthy of careful thought.)

One thing I can guarantee if you call me on the phone: I'll take care of business and then hang up quickly. It probably comes across as very, very rude but it's not personal. Hey, I hang up on telemarketers before they even have the first words out. (Okay, bad example.) And hopefully you'll catch me on a day when my social anxiety is at a minimum and I'll actually enjoy chatting with you. It's been known to happen. There are a few select people that I can be relaxed withon the phone: my family, Fred, a few friends and a few of my neighbors. But if you really want to catch me at my best, drop me an email or add me to your IM list. It will make my day.