Dreams

A while ago, I had the most beautiful dream. The dream embodied my most fervent hopes and wishes. As my wishes became reality (in the land of somnolent unreality) I felt a sense of completeness and peace.

And then I woke up. Ouch.

I felt an immediate sense of loss. The noctural fantasy had seemed so concrete and had made my emotions swell. The dream may have been false, but my emotions were still on an elated high as I woke up to reality. As my emotions crashed back down to earth, I wanted to just lay in bed and cry. It hurt so much to lose something that was just my brain's nighttime cinema.

It was then that I decided that the happiest dreams are the worst ones, because you wake up and have the harsh contrast of reality slapping you in your drowsy face. When you wake up from a nightmare, your heart may be pounding but at least you find yourself somewhere more safe and protected.

When I was a child, I hated falling asleep for fear of the nightmares that might haunt my night hours. I wonder then: do some people hate to wake up at all? Or do they look forward to night time because they look forward to slipping away to some fantasy cerebral playground? And isn't that just one step away from consciously slipping away from reality during the day time hours as well?

A few days ago, I was having a particularly rough day both physically and emotionally. I blogged about my friend's soul-searching question: "What do you do to not kill yourself with stress?" and read one of my friend's replies. She said that when you are an author, you can create whatever reality you want and slip in and out of it at will. I started thinking about what fantasy I would create for myself to slip into when I was stressed. It was late and I was tired and drugged up on my post-surgery Percocet (Wheeeee!) and my brain started whirring away. I don't remember what little fantasy I created in my mind, but I remember jolting back to reality. And then I thought that some people, who are in more pain than me, probably create little fantasies for themselves, slip into them and never slip back out. Like on the finale of M*A*S*H and Pierce's chicken.

But whatever my nightmares or my reality-numbing fantasies or intoxicating dreams, there is one thing that will always be here: reality. So for better or worse, that's where I have to live. And you too. But don't forget to take a mental vacation once in a while: lay back, relax and dream. Send a postcard while you're gone and come back soon.