As I started to drift into the I'm-in-solitary-confinement blues yesterday, I realized I needed to get a grip. So I latched onto the memory of my plane trip home from Berlin last summer. I was so anxious to see my children that it almost hurt. Every moment I was away from them started to feel unbearable and I thought that there was nothing in life that would matter if I could just be with them again.
I know, crazy. I spent the previous four and a half years desperate for a chance to get away from the little darlin' ones. Sometimes your wish has to be granted before you realize you actually want something more.
Since then, I've been on a mental voyage to a place that has changed my life. I have finally arrived: I'm happy to be a stay-at-home Mom. Thrilled, in fact. Who would have thought this of me?
My husband asked me last night if I'd like to get back to school to start my graduate degree in the next year or two, if I could find a program that let me take things at a slow pace. No way. I could change my mind, of course, but I think I'd rather wait five or ten years. My heart is here. I'm satisfied to spend time staring into my kids' eyes (true love, every time), baking cookies and spending hours paper-crafting valentines that are really not that much better than the store-bought ones.
So as I laid in bed feeling imprisoned and restless, I remembered how it felt to be somewhere other than home. It felt great and I'd go again in a heartbeat, but it also hurt to be away from this crazy place called home. This is where I'll come back to. This is where my heart will always be. And even if I'm stuck here for two more months without so much as a peek at the encroaching spring, I would rather be imprisoned here than anywhere else in the world.
Safe in the arms of those I love. Safe in the laughter of my children. Blessed with happiness from above. This is where I belong.
Starting grad school--as in, "hey, you have four kids under the age of 8, including a new baby (who will be hitting that all important terrible twos stage about the time you start/continue) but I think now is a good time to think about going back"?
ReplyDeleteAs someone who is currently embarking on that age with my baby, you'd be FREAKING NUTS to try to fit in grad school right now.
5-10 years...yeah, that's a good time frame. :)
Don't forget my husband is neither a grad student nor a scout master right now... so he would actually be around to help. I'm sure we could make it work. I just don't want to make it work right now. ;)
ReplyDeleteYup, safe in the laughter of the kids. I love it! Sweet of J to ask you about your aspirations though, I think.
ReplyDeleteI agree completely. He was either being very sweet or very diplomatic and I'm happy to assume it was sweet. :)
ReplyDeleteTwo points come to mind. First, your valentines are much better than store bought because you made them and they look better, thus they are intrinsically better than store bought, although debating the value of valentines is debatable. Second, your writing reminds me of times when I have felt something similar and this is a part of why I like your writing so much. Thirdly, oh wait, I only thought of two things.... not. ;)
ReplyDelete