Heart palpitations

I'm so disappointed. And scared.

I took a nap and woke up feeling disoriented and sick. Nothing new there. I laid down and watched "The Biggest Loser" feeling like a total loser of the wrong sort.

I forced myself to get up and prepare some semblance of dinner for the kids. I couldn't figure out why I was out of breath. I put my head in my hands and breathed in and out, in and out.

Oh no. Please not this. Not yet. It's only the first trimester and my heart is healthier than it was with the other pregnancies. Please, please, please ... not this ...

I walked over to the clock and put my fingers to my pulse. 128 beats per minute.

128 and I had just been standing in the kitchen. Just standing there, trying to breathe. For my age, a heart rate of 128 is right smack dab in the middle of my target exercise range. Right about where I should be if I'm doing a good cardio workout, which is the way I felt.

No, no, no...

Maybe 128 isn't bad. Maybe that's normal. That's normal, right? Is the breathlessness normal, too?

Although they do not currently specify any particular number, the American College of Obstetricians & Gynecologists used to recommend keeping your heart rate at under 140 when pregnant and exercising. At this rate, I'm getting in a great workout without doing anything.

To be honest, 128 isn't bad for this kind of episode. When I was pregnant with the twins, my pulse would spike to over 200 unexpectedly. It didn't matter what I was doing. It often happened when I was lying in bed. It scared the crud out of me every time.

It started when I was pregnant with Joseph. The doctor told me to go into labor & delivery if it happened again, so I dutifully went in but the episode had passed. This started a long line of heart tests and cardiologist visits. Sitting in the waiting room where the average age appeared to be 92 or so, I felt old and scared. What was wrong with me?

The cardiologist couldn't tell me. They never could pin it down right when it was happening, but my heart appeared to be working just fine. And after the pregnancies were over, the heart palpitations faded away. I've never forgotten, however, when my cardiologist lightly mentioned that my heart was having trouble doing what it needed to do and yes, technically, he could classify that as heart failure. Maybe the term "heart failure" to him is a broader, less "I NEED TO FREAK OUT ABOUT THE WORDS YOU JUST USED" kind of phrase than it is to me.

So I've been exercising since I had the twins. I've been losing weight. I swore to myself that I'd be healthier during my last pregnancy and if I worked hard enough, this wouldn't happen. I really, honestly, truly, sincerely believed it. Until it happened. Until I was standing there and couldn't catch my breath and my heart was suddenly racing and it wasn't until it had been going on for several minutes that I realized what was happening and got that magic number: 128, and I knew that it had probably been higher than that a minute before and all my best intentions and hopes for a palpitation-free pregnancy had just been blasted apart with a shotgun. And I knew that the tears that were starting to form were not going to be the simple "single tear on cheek" kind of tears. These were going to be big, sobbing tears of disappointment and frustration and if I tried to call anybody to talk about it, I'd fall apart faster than cotton candy that's been thrown in the toilet.

There were only two things left to do:

(1) Text my husband and ask if 128 seemed normal to him?

(2) Blog it away and try to cope

I'm still feeling a little, tiny bit out of breath and freaked out. But I need to move on. I'll call the OB on Monday and just let him know that "they're baaaaaack!" and pray that he doesn't make me stop exercising or start wearing one of those danged uncomfortable EKG holsters that I suffered with twice before. Maybe I should just not tell him...?