Zen Forgotten

A few weeks ago, I mastered the art of handling Paper Cut Pain. It was swell. Now the pregnancy hormones are running wild and I feel like curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep. Not so Zen.

This is why I approached the idea of another child with trepidation. Perhaps trepidation is the wrong word. The correct word would be something closer to fear, horror or sheer terror. When I become pregnant, I lose myself. I try not to. I sincerely try to stay grounded and tell myself that I am still in control, but I just don't believe it. There is this tiny, tiny bundle of cells that has made itself at home and has completely taken over my body. It's like the steering wheel has been stolen from my rational brain and been placed in the hands of an eight-week-old embryo.

This new driver, which I can't help but think of as an invited parasite, has switched the "appetite" lever from the "Let's Try to Lose Weight" mode to "If You Don't Eat Every 20 Minutes, You Will Be Severely Punished" mode. It has also wreaked havoc with the immune system (sniffle, sniffle), the bladder, my emotions and my sleeping patterns. And just last week I remembered with horror how the third trimester will bring me heartburn. That alone is enough to make me shiver in fear. I think that my Halloween costume should be an over-sized t-shirt that says PREGNANT on it. If that doesn't make the women in my neighborhood scream in terror, I don't know what will.

I still haven't decided, however, if I handle physical or emotional pain better. Pregnancy hormones make my emotions incredibly messed up. I was just relaxing in my bathtub--seemingly a perfectly happy situation--when the blues sneaked in through the window. I must have breathed them in unaware because I was suddenly crying. Life is terrible. Everyone hates me. I have no friends. I have no talent. Even my children would reject me if they had anywhere else to go. I'm totally inept at everything I try. I'm a lousy writer and people cringe when I sing. Loser. Loser. Loser!

Whoa. That was a fun emotional roller coaster. Thanks, pregnancy.

I couldn't decide if that was better or worse than the dry heaving I experienced after dropping my kids off at school. Being in the car makes me so nauseous, and I'm terrified of the road trip we have planned for two weeks from now. If I can't go 10 minutes to preschool without almost tossing my cookies, how am I going to handle that constant swaying motion for 10 hours?

I was wondering last week why my anxiety level had risen so dramatically--I can feel my whole body tense and on edge--and I think I'm slowly coming to grips with the answer. Happy life of "Mom with kids in school so she has time to herself" is gone. My life is changing every single day as the impact of pregnancy hits harder and harder. The tiredness has turned to fatigue and the queasiness has turned into dry heaving. It's just getting worse and worse every day. My first appointment is in less than a week and I'm thinking that if I get bad news, I'll be devastated for a while but that I'll find peace in ending my family at three children. I just don't feel like I could start this over and do it again.

And I know that even one minute with a newborn baby would offset all the pain and discomfort and crying. Even one breath would be enough for me to say, "It was all worth it. I'm so glad God gave me this one moment." That's how amazing it is to give birth. And that's why I decided to do this crazy thing one more time.