I've thought about friendship a lot lately as I've enjoyed a blossoming new friendship, memories of friends far away and the friendship of my children. What makes somebody a friend? Here are some things that have contributed to my feeling that somebody is a friend:
* Shared past -- whether good or bad, shared experiences really cement somebody into my psyche and make me feel "close" to them. Even people with whom I have had bitter disagreements are closer to being my "friends" than complete strangers--simply because we have a shared past. This reminds me of the old idea that you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. So cynical... but so wise.
* Similarities -- there are some people that can feel like your best friends within ten minutes because of a similar interest, hobby, religious belief or even personality trait.
* Proximity -- people that live nearby, sit next to you in class, or even stand by you on the subway every morning. For some reason, proximity aids and adds to a feeling of friendship.
* Family connection -- We can hate 'em but we still love 'em. That's the way family is.
* Work connection -- really just an extension of the first three
* Friend of a friend -- You tell your sister that you're visiting New Hampshire and she says, "Oh! You have to visit the X family!" Before you know it, you tell everyone you're visiting "friends" in New Hampshire without realizing these people are total strangers.
* Emotional intimacy -- You stayed up way too late after a movie, talking about how your parents are just like the parents in the film and your boyfriend back in high school was way hotter than the lead. You giggle together and before you know it, you're talking about your bra size and methods of birth control without thinking it's odd in the slightest.
* Physical intimacy -- I'm not talking about THAT kind of physical intimacy, although it certainly qualifies. I'm talking about the person who gave you a hug when you cried, held your hand on the steep climb, or put their arm on your shoulder when you were feeling scared.
There are others, I'm sure, but I'm getting worn out from all the typing. Time to move on. Looking at the above list, there are two that really stand out as the most important factors of friendship to me: a shared history and emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy can be established within minutes, in my experience, and can be totally separate from a shared history. When the two unite, it is a sweet, beautiful thing.
What do you think are the ingredients of friendship? Tomorrow I'll post about different kinds of best friends. :)
I love having friends. Growing up I didn't really have too many friends. In high school I had a best friend. But then we grew up, got married, had children and we don't really talk to each other much now. I have a really good friend at work. We don't hang out though. We talk at work about our problems. We have totally been supportive of each other no matter what. Having friends sometimes scares me emotionally.
ReplyDeleteWhat does that mean? Thanks Julianna. I love your blog. Keri
I agree with you about those two qualifications. But I must say that my closest friends started out friends because of proximity. I have lost a friend because she wasn't interested in any kind of maintenance or intuition. She actually used to say, "Just tell me if you need anything, because I am not good at regular contact." Sure. like I would confide in that.
ReplyDeleteThis is SO true. You know what is funny is many of my dearest friends are people that within the first moments of meeting them I thought I could never be friends with that person. And then, the moment these things are established, (and as you said in some cases it just takes moments) they are my friend for life.
ReplyDeleteI also think that it is possibel tobecome friends with almost anyone, like you hear about stories of near death experiances, or tradgeies where comeplte strangers are thrown into a situtationa nd they can stay friends for ever, (such as 9/11 there are tons of stories like that)
But one thing is certain, there is nothing more precious than finding a true friend! I'm so glad that you are one of mine, and I love how honest your mormon mother confessions are! It's nice that there are real epople in this world.