Book Talk :: Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency

Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency
by Melody Beattie

In case it isn't already clear, I'm talking about two separate books here. One book is titled "Codependent No More" and the other is "Beyond Codependency." I picked them up at the library after hearing the term codependent used in The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. I've been interested in learning about the concept in the past and never gotten around to it.

So what is codependency? The term was coined originally to describe spouses of those dependent on alcohol or other drugs. For example, we'll say a woman is married to an alcoholic husband. The husband, dependent on the alcohol, is hampered in his ability to overcome alcoholism because of his codependent wife.

This does not mean the wife is an alcoholic and it does not mean she approves of the alcoholic's behavior. It means that her warped way of coping with that stress actually enables her husband's problem. She might try to ignore the problem, or try to solve the problem herself, or cover up for her husband--but whatever her behavior, she is actually taking responsibility for his behavior or her shoulders. She is an enabler--she makes it easy for him to be an alcoholic. When the problem gets worse and worse and the wife doesn't understand why, she's bound to feel hopeless, helpless, angry, stressed and probably bitter.

The term is now used in a more broad sense: you can use the term (or concept or ideas or paradigm, if you don't feel the need to use the latest pop culture terminology) to describe one who feels compelled to help others to the point of hurting themself and the intended compassionate recipient. The best line is these two books is that codependents do "all the wrong things for all the right reasons."

One of the most interesting, and least explored, concepts covered in the chronology or pattern of behavior. Here's my take:

First, the codependent is essentially a victim of somebody else's addictive or destructive behavior. As such, they are to be pitied and helped.

Next, the codependent tries to figure out how to cope with a situation that is not their fault and they have no control over. The natural instinct is to try to gain some control over the situation. But instead of doing it the healthy way--controlling themself by setting boundaries and knowing how to enforce them--they try to control the other person by "helping" them in various ways.

Lastly, when the problem gets worse and worse, the codependent becomes angry, bitter and dejected as a result of their failed attempts to gain some level of control over a situation that was already impossibly difficult to deal with. It is at this point that a codependent becomes an ugly force to be reckoned with. As they bounce between the second and third phase, they may play a Jekyll & Hyde game appearing intensely angry and controlling at some moments and at other moments seem to be the kindest, most giving person possible. It is at this stage that the original victim can become abusive.

At first, most people will be naturally drawn to a codependent because of the codependent's ability to give and give and give and give. When it eventually becomes apparent that the charitable behaviors are actually a warped way of controlling the world around them, a psychologically healthy person will turn the other direction and run as fast as they can. They will be able to sense inherently that their boundaries are being infringed on in a subtle and destructive manner.

I spent a lot of time pondering the conflict between charity and codependency, and wondering if I could really bring this book in line with my religious views. I'll save that for a separate blog entry. I also pondered my own tendency toward codependency. Did I learn behaviors that have been passed down through the generations? Or do I have some trauma I am dealing with in my life? Whatever the answer, my New Year's Resolution is to stop worrying about other people and learn to love and accept myself. So far, it's feeling fabulous and I think it is helping me to be more charitable toward others, rather than less charitable.

Okay, enough of explanations. I thought the concepts covered in these books were eye-opening and instructive. I think it's a great paradigm to explore. However, I think a better book could be written. Codependent No More is essentially the Go To book about codependency. I found it well written, but somewhat rambling and repetitive. (Somewhat like this blog?) Just as I found myself intrigued by a concept, the author would go into some lengthy story that only partially made sense to me, as somebody who has never dealt with an alcoholic or chemically dependent person. I actually enjoyed Beyond Codependency more because it dealt more with solutions to the problem than lengthy descriptions. Once I "got it," I "got it" and was bored with further detail in the first book.

I found myself wishing for a book that was written for a wider audience and in more broad terms, with less focus on the alcoholism angle. As it turns out, I found the perfect book by accident. I saw a book at Deseret Book titled "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" and was reminded of the codependency angle. So I bought it on a whim. It's exactly what I didn't realize I was looking for and it'll be up next in this four-part series of Self Help book reviews.

For more information about codependency:

According to Mental Health America (some random website I found online, which described it better than most) the symptoms of codependency are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
  
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
  
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
  
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
  
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
  
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
  
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
  
• A compelling need to control others
  
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
  
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
  
• Difficulty identifying feelings
  
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
  
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries

Book Talk :: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
by Beverly Engel

As opposed to The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, this book was fair, even and dedicated to working toward a solution. It explored in depth (or rather, encouraged the reader to explore in depth) the root causes of abuse. It explored the reasons why people become abusive, and why people become targets of abuse. The reasons are remarkably similar.

This book encouraged introspection, rather than blaming. By the most broad definitions, everybody is abusive at some point in their life to some degree. When you recognize that certain behaviors are abusive--or shall we say, they cross a boundary?--you start to see it everywhere. A lot of people cross boundaries with good intentions and with very light hearts. It's understandable and easy to forgive. (Others do so maliciously to control others--and I find that behavior sickening and demeaning.)

This book accentuated the fact that "abuse" is a term which describes an entire continuum of behaviors, from mildly annoying to severely damaging. From that point of view, I found it very uncomfortable because it made me a tad paranoid about myself and other people. A friend would make a sarcastic joke and I would think, "That was abusive" instead of "Good old so-and-so." Or I would snap in frustration at my kids and think, "Was that just discipline? Or was that verbal abuse? Or both? Or neither--maybe just me feeling frustrated and taking it out on them?!?!" I guess that is the point of self help books--to make us think about our lives and relationships in another light, with the goal of using that information to improve things?

I think that this book could be an interesting read for anybody, not just people who have a history of dishing out or accepting emotional abuse. It has a lot of interesting things to think about.

The book starts with some broad defining chapters, then moves on to discuss the root of abuse. It talks about how our world is defined so much in our childhood that trauma in our youth can take years to overcome. Today at my twins' annual checkup, our pediatrician said that this year will be a defining year for the two of them. Many people think of how "normal" life is (for better or worse, I might add) according to how life was when they were about three years old. This makes sense.

The book then has chapters that are checklists for both "how to stop being abused" and "how to stop abusing." It assumes that people want to change for the better and are capable of doing so. This is a big improvement from The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

I easily give this book an A for its coverage of the subject matter and I recommend it as interesting reading to people who are interested in human psychology, interpersonal communication, or those who recognize that something in their past or current relationships is uncomfortable to them. I learned a lot and I think I made some positive changes in my attitude toward others as a result of this book.

P.S. Thanks to my friend "Q" for the book recommendation. It was fun to talk about it with you!

Snuggles

Last, but not least, a Happy Birthday blog post to Mr. E. He may be Tommy's twin, but they're as different as can be. Easy going? See below.


Elijah is cram-packed full of personality. (See above.) He has an opinion on everything and he holds all of his opinions very strongly! He is never wishy-washy. That being said, he's as sweet as can be most of the time. He is my snuggler, who wants to just have Mommy hold him and cuddle him and be close to him. He gives great hugs and kisses and is oh-so-affectionate. My nickname for him is "Snuggles" because he's so snuggly.

Elijah is a "people" person. He might be shy at first, but just give him a minute. He adores playing with people until he wears them out. He wants to be in the middle of whatever is going on--while Tommy is off reading a book or taking apart the printer. (No joke: Tommy disassembled the cover to the printer while I was blogging about what a sweetheart he is. Grrr...)

Another funny tidbit regarding Elijah is that he has The Loudest Voice On The Planet. If you doubt my sincerity, just check out how I capitalized that: The Loudest Voice On The Planet. You can tell I'm serious. I'm pretty sure that he and Joseph have given me some hearing loss, since Joseph can always hear my cell phone ringing about 5-10 seconds before I can hear it. There's nothing like a child screaming three inches from your eardrum. Good times, good times.

We couldn't decide whether to name him Elijah or Eli. First it was Elijah and the nurse in the hospital wrote "Elijah" on the card next to his newborn crib thingee. Then we changed our minds and she changed it to say "Eli." Then I read the bible stories of Eli and decided he was a bit creepy, while the prophet Elijah was just awesome. So we decided we could always give him "Eli" as a nickname. As it turns out, we rarely use the nickname "Eli" and instead always refer to him as "Lijah" or just "Lije". I know it's weird but these things just happen.

Like his twin brother, Elijah has blue eyes. I haven't calculated the odds of both of my twins having blue eyes, but it must be pretty extreme since neither of his parents have blue eyes. (I like to tell people that the mailman has blue eyes.... but I don't even know who the mailman is in this neighborhood so that joke falls a bit flat.)

Elijah is a real delight, just like his two older (only slightly, in one case) brothers. He is so playful and loving. He is the most helpful boy I can imagine and by far the most obedient of my three children. Happy Birthday, 'lijah!

This concludes my three part series covering our Birthday Marathon Extravaganza. Hope you've enjoyed it. Kids are so darn cute.

"T" for Thomas

What did I tell you about the rain? I love this time of year. I especially love it after the marathon of birthday parties is over with. When the twins were born, I said I would have a separate birthday cake, party, etc. for each of my children, even if I was tempted to squish them together.

So far I'm doing so-so on that promise: the twins had to share a birthday party (which really makes sense for the sake of my relative's nerves) but got separate cakes. Sort of. But that's another story. Nonetheless, Joseph had a family party + a friends party, so the twins party was the third party of a very busy week. I'm glad that week is over. To celebrate, here are a few fun tidbits about my "middle" child, Thomas. He's older than Elijah by one minute.

We couldn't tell the twins apart much when they were born, which shocks me now. I can tell their baby pictures apart now that I have known them for so long, but they were strangers during those first few hours. Thomas had a little bit of fuzz that quickly disappeared. He was essentially bald for about two years, since the hair he did have was so blonde that it was practically invisible.

I'm still in shock that I have a blonde-hair, blue-eyed child.

Thomas' nickname is "Sunshine" because he is such a ray of joy in my life. He rarely fusses about anything and takes everything in stride. Even when he gets very, very upset he stays relatively quiet about it and gets over it quickly. The best word to describe Tommy is "easy going." Thank heaven. Literally. I needed a child like this.

The other best word to describe Thomas is "inquisitive." He quietly observes the world around him, then tries to disassemble it (mentally or physically) to see what he can learn. I'm sad that I couldn't find my picture of him sitting in a pile of books when he was under a year old. He would take every book off the bookshelf, make a little "nest" of books around himself and then sit there staring at them for a long time. It amazed me.

He still loves books. He knows all of his letters, most of his letter sounds and can string basic letter sounds together if he wants to. He can read "Thomas," "Elijah," "EXIT," "Dad" and "Mom" among others. I still can't believe that he is learning to sound out words at his age! For a while, we thought he'd be reading before Joseph! His Halloween costume was a cape with this written on the back: "ABC MAN." It's Thomas to a "T".

I am so grateful for my little Thomas Spencer. Happy Birthday, Sunshine!!

It Always Rains

It's no secret that I'm a sentimental fool. I felt my heart melting a little bit this morning when I woke up to see evidence of rain on the front walk. It always seems to rain on the week of Joseph's birthday. Rain was slowly drizzling when Joseph was born. In honor of Joe Joe's birthday this week, here are a few things about the little guy and one picture for each calendar year he's been alive:

* When Joseph was born, he came out screaming. It was indicative of what was to follow. I couldn't take him to the grocery store because he would randomly just start yelling about.. who knows what? It was embarrassing. When we went to church, I am positive people were ready to call DCFS because he would do the same thing: just start screaming bloody murder for no apparent reason. Dozens of people would turn around and stare at me to see if I was hurting him. I would try to smile through my embarrassement.

* When Joseph was born, he was such a trooper. With an oxygen mask, tubes up his nose, monitors all over his body and machines constantly beeping at him that his Something-or-Other level was dangerously high/low/worrisome, he sat there takin' it like a man. I remember watching his little chest going up and down, up and down, and being amazed at how he didn't complain.

* Joseph just wasn't interested in talking for the longest time. We got really worried and people would ask, "He isn't talking yet?" Then the floodgates opened and he's never stopped.

* Joseph is one of the most generous kids I've known. Yesterday we went to the store to buy some treats for his school class and he insisted that he buy them himself. I told him I'd pay but he wouldn't let me. He spent two months allowance on it and when the teacher gave him the left over treats to bring back home, he said he had a better idea. He wanted his teacher to give the treats to the principal and other teachers at the school. What a kid.

* Don't you dare try to call him "Joey" or "Joe." He particularly hates "Joe" because we told him people call coffee a "cup of Joe." I can still get away with Joe Joe or JJ sometimes, but he will always tell people angrily: "I'm not JOE... I'm Joseph!!"

* Joseph and I are best friends. We argue and fight with each other all the time because Joseph is smart and won't accept simple answers. Especially the answer, "No, Joseph!" Everything has to be explained. Despite that, we laugh together and love to joke and have a good time together. We love to explore and learn new things together. Joseph especially loves science: outer space and human biology are his favorite subjects. ("Mom, why is carbon dioxide bad for your body?" "I don't know.. it just is...I think" "But why Mom? How come only oxygen is good?" "There are plenty of things that are good for your body, but ummm..." "So how come carbon dioxide is so bad?" "Grrrrr....")

* I love Joseph's name. It means "The Lord will increase." After several years of infertility, Joseph was my own little miracle and I felt he was a gift from God. His name suits him perfectly. I also love how international his name is: Yusuf, Guiseppe, Jose, Pepe, Iosef and Che are a few variations. Awesome.

* Happy Birthday this week, JJ. I love you. It may be raining outside, but there is sunshine in my soul.

Too close for comfort

Joseph asked me this morning what an earthquake is like. We talked about it a little bit and I told him I hope he never has to find out what a bad quake it like.

Then I opened up CNN to find this waiting:

Strong Quake Rocks Nevada :: Epicenter 150 miles from Salt Lake City

Too close for comfort.

No Surprise Here

Take the Quiz here!

I've always pictured myself as Elizabeth Bennet. This quiz proves it. Right? Who wouldn't want to be Lizzie? She's smart, funny, observant, moderately attractive ("Though not enough to tempt me" says Darcy), and loyal to her crazy family no matter how dysfunctional they are. I actually have small statuettes of Darcy & Elizabeth in my bedroom.

But let's be honest: is Darcy the best of the Austen heros? Even with his ten thousand a year? I am more inclined to think I would be suited for Snape's character in Sense & Sensibility. Or possibly whatshisbucket in Northanger Abbey. Although to be honest, I'd probably be the one trying to rescue the villainous Henry Crawford from Mansfield Park and later regretting it. Oh, wait.. it's coming to me. Captain Wentworth is the one for me. There you go. Can't argue with that, can you? He's charming, good looking, serious, sensible, intelligent and loyal.

All joking aside, my favorite thing about Elizabeth Bennet is one line from Pride & Prejudice: "I dearly love to laugh." Me and Lizzie all the way on that one.

The Philosophy of Lemons

People say:

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!

Why is that some people live life like this:

When somebody hands you a cool, sweet glass of lemonade, try to make it a lemon!

I love being around people who can enjoy their lemonade for what it is.

The Closet Economist

I've found myself divided on this blog in the last few months between my day-to-day sarcastic ramblings and my dry economic thoughts. So I've decided to divide and conquer!

From now on, my left-brained econ, finance, budgeting and real estate thoughts will be at The Closet Economist at http://closeteconomist.blogspot.com/

If you're so inclined to come share some thoughts with me there, come on over and enjoy. Today I blogged about budgeting for your mortgage payment, automatic withdrawals, deposits and the joy of money market accounts. I'd love to open some discourses about how other budget and manage their money. Everyone has their own system and I'd love to hear about yours so leave me a comment and tell me what works for you!

Not your cup of tea? Well, at least it won't clutter this space any longer!

The New Mitt?

Feeling bad that Mitt's out of the running?

You said your voting wasn't affected by his religion. That would be irresponsible not to consider the issues. But come on. It at least piqued your interest, right? Let's be honest.

Well, if you're bummed that you can't vote "Mormon" since Mitt left the presidential race, there's good news!

There are two "candidates" on American Idol that are LDS. It may not be the presidential race, but we both know that you're more likely to vote for American Idol. I mean, you can vote from home. You don't have to register and you don't have to drive all the way over to the local school and wait in line. The bad news is you don't get a cute little "I Voted" sticker when you're done, but that would just be icing.

Here are the two new Mitts: Brooke White from Mesa, Arizona who says she has never seen an R-rated movie, and doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs. And 17-year-old David Archuleta from Murray, Utah who is just so darling and has such an amazing voice!

So if you're missing Mitt, take hope. And if you're not one to let religion sway you, cast your A.I. vote for the vocal style of Michael Johns. Good stuff.

Serious Confession Time

I have a confession to make.

When I was in the 3rd grade, I threw a spelling bee so I could get to speech therapy. I kept watching the minutes tick, tick, tick. I was sick of spelling words. So I purposefully misspelled one and then cheerfully skipped down the hall to get more lessons on how to say "Rabbit" instead of "Wabbit."

Man, it's good to get that off my chest.

The Refi :: Final Chapter

We closed our loan today to refinance our home. For those of you who have asked about my refinancing experience, we were very satisfied with our mortgage company throughout the process. It was simple, smooth and headache-free. So Box Home Loans still gets my thumbs up and recommendation for those who fit "Inside the Box."

The two best things about our refi:

1. I never, ever, ever, ever have to deal with Zion's Bank again... except to close out my accounts and stick my tongue out at them in parting.

2. Since we consolidated our first and second mortgage, we now only have one debt payment every month. It's a great feeling.

Book Talk :: The Verbally Abusive Relationship

This is part one of a four part series of self-help books that I have read in recent months. They work together and build on each other in interesting ways.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship
by Patricia Evans

This entry will be more of a story than a real book review.

I've been fascinated for a long time by the subject of verbal & emotional abuse. I call it "white collar" abuse. Like white collar crime is harder to detect and a bit more sophisticated than knocking an old lady on the head with a beer bottle. What I call "white collar abuse" is abuse that is quietly and secretly rampant in all levels of society but more generally accepted--even encouraged in some circles. It is what my aunt calls "The Invisible Heartbreaker" in an article that she wrote for the Ensign magazine. I love that article.

So that's why I picked up "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." It sounded kinda interesting and I thought it might have some pointers on good communication skills. (Yes, I majored in "Communications" but it was Mass Media, and not interpersonal...) And the book was really cheap. Bada bing bada boom. Done deal.

I was totally unprepared for what happened while I read it. For months, I had been feeling a growing level of anxiety. I was reluctantly ready to get medicated to deal with the problem, but after reading this book and another one about verbal & emotional abuse (I'll do that review shortly), my anxiety melted away to a reasonable level.

As I read the examples and stories in this book, I suddenly realized that I've been a vulnerable target for verbal abuse for years! I put the pieces together and saw a pattern of what had happened on a social level and even on a professional level. More importantly, I realized an important truth: IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.

Sure, I'm not the easiest person to deal with at times. But I have never deserved to be treated the way people have treated me. Nobody deserves that. I have no desire to rehash the details of what has happened to me, but I will admit that it has made this grown woman sob for hours. It has made me feel that I had nothing to offer anybody--and that I had no intrinsic worth. It made me question for sanity. It made me question why God had created me and why he hadn't struck me dead yet.

What I'm saying is: verbal abuse is serious stuff and it was causing serious problems in my life. I can't overestimate how serious this kind of abuse is. This book helped me to get my head out of the mud and see some important truths. Most importantly, knowing that there wasn't something inherently wrong with me changed my life. My anxiety is slowly disappearing and I am learning to actually enjoy life more.

Now, to the nitty gritty: this book was a good starting point, but it could NOT stand on its' own. It focused way too much energy on villainizing "abusers." I have a personal theory that the same things create abusers and victims--some go one way, some go the other, and a whole lot of them go both ways in different relationships.

Patricia Evans spent a lot of energy saying that most abusers cannot and will not change because they are fundamentally bad. My religious sentiments reject that completely. It's comforting to a victim of verbal abuse to feel like they are completely innocent while that other person is the bad guy. I don't buy it. Every person is complex and difficult to understand. Best to leave it at that.

Another important point is that this book is extremely sexist. She has one line saying that she's just using men as an example, although men or women can be verbally abusive. That one line doesn't erase the fact that the rest of the book is man-bashing and discriminatory. Just my opinion. I foresee fewer men than women ever giving this book much respect.

Also, this book was really repetitive. I think it could have been half as long and explained the fundamental ideas fully. That wouldn't have sold as well, however. So you gotta do what you gotta do, eh? I would encourage anybody who wants to read this book to do so with a VERY open mind, trying to decide for themself what is true and what is trite. I found some basic truths but they were wedged in with a bunch of junk, in my opinion.

Still, I'm grateful for what I learned and how it started me on a very healthy pathway. So I recommend it to others--with caveats firmly in place.

Next up in my line of reviews: "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship," ""Codependent No More" and ""I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better."

100 Things About Moi (Part Two)

Part two of my 100 Things About Myself. See previous post for first 50.

51. I desperately wish I could still have a cat, but my husband is extremely allergic. We tried getting some kittens once, but my husband couldn’t breathe after a while. So I reluctantly gave the kittens back.
52. I type ridiculously quickly, which contributes to my long-winded-ness on my blog. It’s almost as fast as talking.
53. I met my husband exactly 13 years and one day ago—on February 11th, 1995. A group of my high school friends decided to go the Sweethearts dance in a group, instead of getting dates. When the night came around, we were short a couple guys. So Drew said, "Maybe Josh would want to go. I doubt it, but I'll call him and see." The rest is history.
54. I love to read good literature. I remember in high school being surprised at how much I enjoyed the book “Candide.” I thought it would be impossible to understand since it’s so old.
55. I had an entire class in college about how to persuade people to do what you want. It was rather Machiavellian, but it was an awesome class. It was called “Rhetorical Methods.”
56. Don’t worry. I don’t use the principles I learned in “Rhetorical Methods” on a day-to-day basis. I can’t even convince my own kids to brush their teeth usually.
57. I have actually said, “You can’t have cake until you finish your root beer!” or “No more ice cream until you finish your candy!” or similar things. Whenever I hear that coming out of my mouth, I really question my sanity as a parent.
58. I love road trips. Hot sun beating down on my skin, hundreds of miles of sage brush, dirty gas station bathrooms…. Good times, good times.
59. I really wish I could remember the name of this guy I met in an LDS chat room about 12 years ago. John … something. I think. We were NOT romantically involved—he was just a very interesting human being and I’d like to know what he’s done with his life since then.
60. I hate feeding my kids breakfast.
61. I hate feeding my kids lunch.
62. I hate feeding my kids dinner.
63. I hate changing diapers.
64. I hate potty training.
65. I hate crayon on the walls.
66. I hate temper tantrums.
67. I adore my children.
68. I rarely wore pastel pink until I met my husband. I wanted to fit into his family and started to wear pink like they did.
69. Once I realized how pathetic that is, I stopped wearing pink for them and started wearing pink because I actually like to be girlie sometimes.
70. I think life is all about contradictions. My favorite Comms Theory chapter was about "Cognitive Dissonance." It's fascinating.
71. I currently own two pairs of high heels, and two pairs of Crocs. I also have one pair of boots that I never wear. My passion for shoes is, as of yet, unfulfilled.
72. I wore my boots last Saturday.
73. I think Crocs are the ugliest shoes ever invented, but also the comfiest.
74. I hate talking to friends on the phone.
75. I love talking to friends online or in person.
76. I adore my friends from high school: Marissa, I miss you so much since you went to Boston! Craig, I need to have you around more often so I can get my weekly dose of laughter! Rochelle, I’m glad we’ve rediscovered how much we have in common! Alysa, you are one of the strongest people I know—don’t shortchange yourself. Cockroach, I’m glad our friendship survived dating each other because you make me laugh when Craig's not around. Ryan, I think it’s awesome that you ended up at MIT and I miss being able to hang out with you and Marissa. James, where would my board game life be without you?? YoungM, remember how we used to go practice ballroom dancing late at night? Linda, isn’t it great that we discovered cousins could be best friends? Karen & Paul, I’m so glad you’re living close again and I wish we got together more often! Herrick, your smile is contagious and I can't be unhappy when you're around!
77. I took one ballroom dance class and I’ve been in mourning ever since it was over.
78. When people tell me I sing well, I’m not sure if I believe them or not. I have my good days and my bad days and haven’t discovered my own personal style yet.
79. My voice teacher thinks I’d be well-suited to opera, but how practical is that? Most people I know hate hearing that style of music unfortunately.
80. I have a really, really loud singing voice so it’s almost impossible to sing in my ward choir. I can hardly get any sound out at all when I’m trying to blend in quietly. It’s pathetic and frustrating.
81. My singing range is super fun. I can sing a low alto or high soprano or anything in between. I feel blessed to be able to have fun with whatever songs I like.
82. I took violin lessons and ballet lessons when I was in elementary school.
83. I’ve always been afraid of failure so I always exit on my own terms—I chickened out of violin and ballet both and have since regretted running away since I love music and I love dance.
84. I stick with singing partially because I don’t want to be a quitter anymore.
85. I loved 80’s and 90’s alternative rock when I was younger: New Order, Depeche Mode, U2, the B-52s, Pet Shop Boys, etc. I still have some of those albums but rarely listen to them anymore.
86. I felt betrayed when U2 finally released a new album in the early 90's. It was such a departure from what I had worshiped in the past that I stopped listening to U2 for years.
87. When I was in junior high, I had a huge crush on Larry Mullen Jr. (drummer from U2), Morrissey and Chris Isaak.
88. I’m a reality TV junkie. I enjoy The Amazing Race, Supernanny, American Idol, The Apprentice, etc. I don’t like Survivor or Big Brother or trashy reality shows. The Amazing Race is my favorite and the other ones are guilty pleasures. I used to look down on people who watched reality TV.
89. I often agree with Simon on American Idol. “Simply dreadful!” or “You really surprised us tonight. Well done.”
90. My son was angry this morning when he saw a plate with crumbs and sugar on it—“What was this?!?!?” (See previous post about thank yous.) I didn’t want to tell him the cookies were put away in a Tupperware, because he hadn’t even had breakfast yet. So I tolerated him saying, “That was NOT nice, Mommy!!” He’ll be thrilled later when the cookies are revealed.
91. I could have simply said, “You can have a cookie later, Joseph,” but I was too busy dealing with sick twins who were making a ruckus, so I wasn’t thinking clearly.
92. I love being the primary secretary, but I’ve really fallen down on the job lately, which I need to turn around.
93. My sister, Kristin, and I love IKEA. My brother hates IKEA: “It’s so cheap!” he says. ... “Yeah,” I retort. “That’s why people LIKE it!”
94. I have had three pregnancies, three children, one set of twins and one miscarriage. Did that make sense?
95. Every time I wear makeup to church, people say, “Wow, you look nice today. Are you losing weight?” I don’t want to go into the whole, “No, it’s just that the illusion of having cheekbones makes my face look thinner” so I just thank them and say, “Yes, I have lost a little bit of weight recently.” It’s easier that way and I really have lost a little bit of weight.
96. When I put the twins in “time out” in their room, they cheer because it just means they’ll go tear the bedding off and jump on the mattress.
97. I need to think of a more effective time out.
98. I loooove being organized, but when my organization system gets off balance, I throw up my hands and let the whole house get cluttered until I’m in a fit of organization again. My husband HATES this about me!
99. My idea of a happy holiday would be about a week at home without the kids so I could declutter, then organize and then deep clean the house. I can fantasize, can’t I?
100. If you’ve read this far, I should write you a thank you note and send you a congratulatory gift. I’m not sure if that means you’ve won or not.

Lately people have been copping out on the "tags" by saying, "Anybody who wants to do this, do it!" That is a good plan, because nobody will be offended by being left off the list. So I'll keep up the tradition. Can you think of 100 things about yourself that you'd like to share with every creepy sex offender and pervert on the internet that might randomly navigate to your site? Then go get writing!

100 Things About Moi (Part One)

I got "tagged" to write 100 things about myself by my friend Amy. Thanks, Amy! I've been thinking about doing this for a while, but never worked up enough motivation. Since I'm ultra-long-winded, I'm doing this in two installments. Here are the first 50.

1. My middle name is “Hacker” … well, almost. It is “Hacken” and looks like Hacker if I write it sloppily.
2. Both of my two sisters went to Ivy League colleges. I am fairly certain I could have too, but I felt strongly that I was supposed to go to BYU. I’m sad that I missed a really intense academic experience, but I’m glad I have zero student debt.
3. I had a full scholarship to college and only had to pay half tuition (because my dad works there.) BYU reimbursed the other half and paid me to attend college!
4. My oldest sister is an Egyptologist and has lived in Egypt twice.
5. I dream of going on a Mediterranean cruise with my oldest sister, so she can act as tour guide in Egypt. I want to enjoy the French Riviera, Italy, Greece, Egypt and some mellow days cruising the Mediterranean with a good book.
6. I am the youngest child in my family.
7. I am the youngest child of a youngest child of a youngest child.
8. I am also the youngest daughter of a youngest daughter of a youngest daughter.
9. It’s not looking too good to continue that legacy, since I have three sons.
10. My Mom has 6.9 grandchildren—six grandsons and one grandson on the way. No granddaughters.
11. My other sister has flown on the Disney jet with the leaders of Pixar.
12. My brother-in-law works for Google, which is pretty much the awesomest.
13. My other brother-in-law is a psychology professor at BYU and has studied a lot about Autism, which is also pretty cool.
14. The oldest sibling in my family died before turning three, from meningitis. My Mom put him to bed with a fever, thinking she’d take him to the doctor in the morning. He never woke up.
15. I never met my “oldest” brother, Dougie, but I really miss him anyway.
16. My dad is an award-winning poet and has translated other literary works into English.
17. My Mom was frustrated when she moved to Utah because of inadequate school options for her smart kids, so she helped put together the “Accelerated Learning Lab” programs in Alpine School District.
18. I’ve had several neighbors who were in the ALL programs and it always makes me happy to hear their good experiences.
19. My Mom was my 5th grade teacher.
20. My parents were divorced when I was in elementary school.
21. My step-mother is from Transylvania! So far, no signs of vampire tendencies. Just really good cooking.
22. I was relieved to change my name when I got married. “Hacken” sounds like you are coughing up something wet and green.
23. I’m glad my brother is having a boy, so the Hacken name will continue another generation.
24. My sister-in-law is a vice principal and I’m so glad she decided to take a chance on my brother. ;)
25. My brother is the only one without a college degree but makes more money than the rest of us combined. Probably.
26. Since I live with a husband and three sons, I’m WAY out of touch with my girlie side. I get a little giddy when I go to the mall and look at high heels sometimes.
27. I’m a sucker for shoes and jackets, but I rarely indulge in buying them these days.
28. I’m proud to be a tightwad.
29. I’m very loyal to Toyota cars. I honestly can’t understand why Ford and Chevy are still in business.
30. I admit that I own one American-made car, a Saturn which is decrepit and broken down. (Huh… Maybe I learned my lesson.)
31. If anybody wants a broken down Saturn, let me know. It goes to the top bidder. (“Do I hear 50 cents? Let’s make it a dollar. Two dollars? Come on, folks. This is 100% Made in America!”)
32. I’m way too verbose in my writing.
33. That’s a nice way of saying I’m long-winded.
34. I worry that I’m a bore because of #32 and #33.
35. I’m very loyal to my friends.
36. Even when somebody hurts me, I have a hard time thinking ill of them. It’s a blessing and a curse.
37. I think charity is the most desirable of all spiritual attributes.
38. I majored in Communications Studies in college—I almost majored in Advertising or Public Relations, but Comms Studies ended up a better fit. I sort of wish I’d done PR though.
39. I have owned two businesses.
40. One was desktop publishing—I did custom design work once for a CD cover, but mostly sold stickers to BYU, Deseret Book and the Missionary Training Center.
41. I got bored with that business because it ended up in the boring details of accounting, packaging and delivery. What I liked was the creative design work.
42. I dream of working at an ad agency’s creative department someday.
43. My other business was making movies for LDS children. That business was awesome, but it dissolved before we finished.
44. The reasons it dissolved are too complicated to explain, but I don’t think that my becoming pregnant with twins helped anything.
45. I was a computer science teacher right after college—despite having no formal training in computer science or teaching.
46. I accepted the job right before finding out I was pregnant with my first child.
47. I only stayed a semester because my pregnancy was not going well and my doctor told me I had a good chance of being put on bed rest.
48. It was good that I left when I did because I did eventually get put on bed rest.
49. When I was in kindergarten, I found a stray, hurt cat. We took him in and named him “Bastet.” Can you guess which of my sisters named him?
50. Bastet would come cuddle with me when I cried. I was heartbroken when he died.

Thank Yous!

I'm sort of OCD about thanking people sometimes. I always smile and say "Thank You" to the people who bag my groceries. Or check me out. Or answer a question at the store. Etc. It may be a bit over the top at times, but it's a nice quirk to have.

The only problem is when somebody does something nice for me anonymously and then I feel like I obsessively have to thank them but cannot because I don't know who to thank!

Which all leads up to this:



THANK YOU to whichever fabulous friend left these on our porch. I hope I didn't scare you half to death when I opened the door right after you knocked. I was sitting in the front room! ;)

Book Talk :: The Mathematics of Love

The Mathematics of Love
by Emma Darwin

Movies have ratings. TV shows have ratings. Music and video games are even rated sometimes. All for the shocking purpose of warning consumers away from things they are likely to find offensive.

If only books had a similar rating system. It might go like this:

S -- Smutty
F -- Frequently Foul Language
Po -- Poorly Written
I -- Incredibly bad or nonexistent plot
Pr -- Pretentious use of Austen-era dialogue that totally misses the mark
B -- Badly conceived, badly delivered
E -- Emotionless, while trying to provoke the most intense of emotions

I could go on. But I've been trying to stifle my sarcastic streak. Ahem. If such a rating system existed, The Mathematics of Love by Emma Darwin would be plastered with all of the above warnings. I picked it up on a whim because I wanted a new book to read and I happened to be standing in a bookstore. Makes sense to buy a book, no?

The one I wanted to buy (Sunday Philosopher's Club by Alexander McCall Smith) was sold out. Perhaps I should have made the connection between a very popular and well-written book being sold out... and a table full of unwanted books that they were trying to con people into buying. Sucker. I fell for it. It looked promising so I bought it. Never again!

This book was so boring at most points that I had trouble keeping my brain focused enough to follow the slowly plodding plot. I found myself distracted by Dora the Explorer--Dora for pete's sake! If that's not sad, I don't know what is.

I almost didn't post the title on this blog, lest somebody get curious and actually buy it themselves. Then they would come to ME complaining about my reading habits. This book had no redeeming qualities that I can remember. It used controversy to shock--by which I mean, they threw in all sorts of plot elements that added nothing to the plot but were very modern and and edgy. It included a love triangle between an old man, his live-in-bisexual-partner-for-life and a 16-year-old girl. I think I'm gonna go vomit.

It included verbal abuse. Emotional abuse. Physical abuse. Sexual abuse. It had romantic encounters so thoroughly portrayed that I blushed as I tried to skim past them. Complete smut.

I can put up with edgy elements to a story if they are put in the proper light and show the true duality of human nature. I can handle the fact that this world ain't always pretty. But this was just cheap entertainment of the worst kind. It is an insult to Jane Austen that the author read Emma to try to get a feel for the dialogue of the day. The dialogue sounded forced and out of place.

I could go on, mostly because I need to expel the nastiness of reading this book from my mind. But for now I'll summarize by saying this is the first book I can remember actually throwing in the garbage can.

Grade :: F

My apologies to Emma Darwin, great-granddaughter of the Famous Darwin. If you're reading this, you have every right to mutter, "Bloody American! What does she know!"

Analyze This { & Let's Connect! }

A few months back, I recommended Google Reader as a great way to keep track of blogs. That's a great resource for people who read blogs.

If you love to blog yourself, try this: Google Analytics. For the casual blogger like myself, who has earned a whopping $30 total from AdSense, Analytics is just a fun toy to play with. It tells you where your traffic is coming from, how many people visit your site daily, what they look at and how long they spend. (Although that last one is extremely unreliable from my experience.)

It tells you fun stuff like what keywords people typed into Google to find your blog. My most common one, consistently, is "Book Thief Quotes" or "Quotes from the Book Thief." However, the more random and amusing ones from the last month include:

1. Can frosting be frozen for later use?
2. are there true that love is all about beauty?
3. sabucol
4. there is beauty all around
5. 7 confessions austrian celebrities
6. bhl blah
7. chokecherry tree chill
8. costco owned by mormon
9. difficult mormon mothers
10. flashback thinking the brain
11. hot young living mom
12. i hate being a mormon mom
13. lds vanilla extract
14. lucky 7 blog
15. mormon wedding night (folllowed closely by:)
16. mormon dirty secrets
17. psychology and unopened gifts
18. roast wrap in plastic wrap
19. the lds ugly animals
20. umcka and fda

Huh. Makes you think, doesn't it? That was my most unusual 20 from the 130 search terms used to find this blog. I have no idea what sabucol or umcka are. #2 up there didn't even make sense to me. At all.

So if for nothing else, Analytics is always good for a laugh or two. Maybe a good snort when you see how people found your site through Google. Go sign up and enjoy. Email me if you have any questions about how to add the code to blogger.

p.s. My very loud children make the telephone even more antiquated than it already was. If you use Google Talk, add me to your list so we can chat! Leave a message here if you don't have my email address and I'll figure out a way to get it to you. I'm also (sadly enough) connected to Windows Messenger, ICQ, and Yahoo IM nearly all the time through Trillian. It's how I stay connected, so if you have an IM client, let's connect!

Irresistible

I just walked into the kitchen in time to hear Thomas say (into a mirror) (to himself), "Hilo! I'm Mr. Tom!"

Doesn't get much cuter than that.

At a Loss

I have no idea what to do on days like today.

I feel sick. Not so sick that I can't function: just sick enough to feel like crud. Like I want to be laying in bed with a good book and some pain relievers in my system. Sick enough that I'd love to have somebody fussing over me, asking what I need. Just sick enough that serving breakfast to my kids was an accomplishment, and the idea of cleaning up the mess afterward is somewhat farcical.

It's just one of those days.

If I didn't have kids, I'd be in the bathtub, which is great for aches and pains. I'd be reading one of my three new books that I recently bought. Or one of the other books that I haven't finished yet.

If I was working full-time (...outside the home...) I'd either go in to work or call in sick. Black and white, ya know? Either I'm there or I'm not. But I don't work outside the home and I do have kids. They're young kids. They can't change their own diapers. They would be happy to serve themselves meals but I'm not willing to risk the likely stomach aches and definite mess. I can't just get in the bath. I can't just flop on the bed. I have to be here. But I feel like crud.

I think this is the single most frustrating aspect of being a stay-at-home Mom: how do I care for myself when I need to care for myself but simply cannot care for myself?

Super Bowl :: The Important Stuff

The best thing about this year's Super Bowl ads were the witty commentaries about them on the TIME article I read. But here are a few that made me chuckle. Enjoy.

Garmin


Planters Cashews
Okay, this is not that attractive or unique but it still made me snort. Mission accomplished.


Pixar: Wall*E
Looking forward to seeing this!


Coke
I may not drink it, but this was a fun commercial.


Tide-to-Go
I thought was one of the most effective. Plus, it was entertaining.


FedEx
My favorite of the ones I saw


Firestone
Only good for the little, wee scream of an insect.

Prophetic Names

I have this thing about names. It's just a personal thing. I want to name my kids after people who were really solid role models. So later in life, I can talk to my kids about how great their namesake is and how they should strive to be like them.

My oldest is Joseph Enoch. Both great Bible names.

My youngest (by one minute) is Elijah Benjamin. More solid Bible names.

Both Joseph and Elijah are prophet's names from the Bible. Joseph is also the name of a Latter-day prophet, Joseph Smith. So we're looking at some pretty solid footing here.

Then you get to my middle child (older than Elijah by one minute): Thomas. Yes, it is a Bible name, but not exactly one that is the MOST solid role model. He's known more frequently as "Doubting Thomas." Without going into the details and looking at both sides, I think we can agree that it's not quite as strong a role model as JOSEPH or ELIJAH. Right?

Until you consider his full name. Thomas Spencer.

Today, my son's name finally fits his brothers'. Thomas Spencer Monson was announced as the new president of the LDS church--recognized by LDS faithful worldwide as a prophet and seer. We didn't name our Tommy for Doubting Thomas. We named him for the man that we knew would be recognized as a prophet someday: little Tommy Monson.

{photos by Heather Clark Photography}

I Should Be A Criminal

Yesterday, an impromptu snowball fight broke out in the parking lot after church. Josh and I were not targets, since our "boring geeks" status is too well established. But it didn't stop Josh from forming a large, perfect, white snowball. And it didn't stop me from taking it out of his hands and lobbing it at the person standing nearby.

When the snowball landed, he turned around with a surprised look to see who had thrown it. I smiled guiltily. He kept looking around. He didn't believe I had thrown it.

I guess that's the perk of living a quiet, boring, geeky life. If I ever turned to a life of crime, I'd have the world's best witness for the defense: all the quiet, dull years prior.

Delusions of Crafteur

I'm not crafty.

Unless you mean in the sneaky way. Otherwise, only in my dreams. But for some reason, Valentine's Day brings out the would-be crafter in me. Last year I made some icky, ugly Valentine's Day cards and sent them to friends and family. Nobody laughed at me, which I greatly appreciated.

This year, I got inspired by Martha Stewart Living, which I'd picked up for some layout inspiration when I was doing my article. I found two crafts that looked perfect for me: easy peasy & cute.

Reminder to self: I'm not crafty. I forgot for a few minutes.

Anyway, here are the pictures of Martha's professional versions:

Exhibit A : Heart-Covered Wax Paper

Exhibit B : Felt Fortune Cookies

And here are how mine turned out. The great thing about a blog is that I can't hear you all laughing at me:

This is BEFORE Joseph crinkled it up and made it even more "textured."

This is the most generous shot I could get of the fortune cookies. The wire stuck out and wouldn't stay below the ribbon. But it would be very cool if I get the right kind of glue and whatnot. And even funner, Joseph and I made each other little valentines to go inside, made from little cut up hearts:

Thomas the Tank Toddler

I'm in the habit of letting my kids wear their pajamas as long as they want to, which means the kids are often still in pajamas when Dad gets home from work.

Dad disapproves.

So this morning, I was trying to snatch a few more precious moments of relaxation in bed before it was time to "head to work" with breakfast time. (I hate breakfast time. Spilled cereal is probably the most disgusting thing in the world. Especially if kids have been sitting there letting it get soft and squishy for a long time. Makes me shudder.) Anyway, I was still laying in bed dreaming about a day when my children would get up and not scream for attention immediately.

My daydreams were interrupted by my husband plopping the kids onto my bed and proceeding to get them dressed for the day. I couldn't be upset at the interruption because, hey, I guess getting the kids dressed is a good thing. And those boys are so darn cute that it's hard not to smile at them in the morning.

Fast forward 15 minutes to breakfast time. Dad's gone to work. Mom's "on duty" again. Naturally, Elijah drips a cup of milk down his shirt. Who did NOT see this coming? Oh well. Mom blots at it with a washcloth and tells Elijah to stop crying and eat his food. This is one of the main reasons the pajamas stay on until after breakfast. We move on.

Fast forward about 45 more minutes. Mom is blogging about how wonderful it is to be published and Thomas comes down the stairs naked. "Umm, Thomas, where are your clothes?" Mom asks casually.

"Where my Thomas Tank Engine 'jamas, Mom?" asks Tommy.

"How about you go put on your daytime clothes again?" asks Mommy.

"Where my Thomas Tank Engines 'jamas, Mommy?" asks Tommy.

"Where are your pants, Tommy? Upstairs? Should we go upstairs and get your pants back on?" asks Mommy.

"Where my Thomas Tank Engine 'jamas, Mommy?" asks Tommy.

So Elijah is now wearing a lovely milk-scented t-shirt and Thomas is wearing his Thomas the Tank Engine pajamas. I need to remember to change their clothes before 5:30 when Dad gets home from work.

The Check Is In The Mail

Indulge me in a bit of celebration!

I said before that I only had one goal for 2008: learning to love and accept myself more. Technically speaking, that was true. But I do have a little paper with other mini-goals-that-I-probably-won't-be-able-to-reach on it. Only one of these stuck out strongly in my mind as both very desirable and completely unreachable:

* "Get published and paid for a piece of writing"

Who would have thought I'd reach that goal a few hours shy of February 1st?

Granted, it's not the New York Times. Or even the Pleasant Grove Times. But I reached my goal and I'm proud of myself.

A friend of mine from a local message board is trying to start a new business, the Utah Baby Guide, to compliment her existing business, the Utah Baby Fair. It's a free magazine that you can download on your computer any time. And I'm excited to have written the feature article for the first ever issue. Incidentally, I also did the layout/design of the article. (I used to be a desktop publisher "back in the day.")

Top three reasons to go check it out:

1. You've got to be wondering what kind of writing style belongs to someone who thinks in Jane Austen speak but talks like a Valley Girl (and, like, stuff like that.) The answer is: I write in whatever style is appropriate. But don't take my word for it. Go read for yourself. It's the article titled, "How to decorate your nursery on a budget." (This is ironic since my twins bedroom is literally one toddler bed, one toddler mattress sitting on the floor and... oh wait, that's all. They have systematically torn apart everything else to the point that we removed all non-necessities.)

2. The article centers around my dear, dear cousin-in-law, Melody Aanderud. She is a dream come true! She is a fabulously talented interior designer, who used to design clothing stores before becoming a stay-at-home Mom. She is also one of the kindest, most sincere people I have ever met. Her love for other people oozes out in a tangible way. And she did her entire "Design on a Dime" nursery remodel for under $200 since her husband is in his third year of medical school. They've had no income for three years--and had two children during that time. She continues to amaze me each year. Even if you don't look at my article, please go visit her blog which features the most beautiful artwork: http://melodyaa.blogspot.com/ You can own your own Melody Aanderud print or custom name painting (like I featured in the article) for a very reasonable price.

3. The last reason is purely capitalistic/selfish. If this magazine takes off and becomes popular, I'll be able to write more articles! I love writing and this would be a great way for me to hone my skills and build up a resume in case I want to query some bigger magazines at some point. (Little known fact about Juliana: one of my favorite classes at BYU was titled, "Magazine Writing" and was all about how to get published in magazines.)

If #3 is unconvincing, which I wager it is, go check out my article anyway. I'm so proud of my accomplishment (Over 1,900 words and seven pages, folks, all written in under 12 hours while caring for needy kids! Then seven pages of desktop publishing the next day... it was a workout) that I just can't help sharing it with my friends.